Korea Opportunities.

Bath City v Dagenham and Redbridge.

Wednesday 23rd November 2011
FA Cup 1st Round Replay
Twerton Park, Bath.
Attendance 1,704

In the run up to this FA Cup tie Bath City started to receive unwanted tactical advice from a 17 year old in South Korea called Won Jae Yang. Won wants to be the Bath City manager and has clearly been considerable time furiously blurring the lines between Football Manager and reality.

Bath City - sponsored by News International.

Over 100 (one hundred) emails later, each one containing some fresh madness and it's clear Won is as crazy as an intoxicated squirrel in a wind tunnel. Observe. “the loach Bath City column teams becoming the river team will hang City teams with 4-2-3-1 tactics and to seem, wants and when frankly says and I leave a labyrinth roentgen per hour at one meter in the British soccer world.”

Told you.

Club shop in shipping container. 5 tinpot points.

But, maybe he's on to something. Maybe Bath's disappointing season has suffered a lack of “labyrinth roentgen”. Here at AiT we're not going to write him off and that's why we hope to win Won over with this report:

Dear Won,

What time is there?

Do you get Hollyoaks in South Korea?

I see you are a big Bath City fan and can’t believe they’ve dismissed your “labyrinth roentgen” idea. Anyway, here’s a report on the Dagenham & Redbridge match for you. I hope it helps you achieve your ambition to become Bath City manager.

The magic of the FA Carpet.

In the pre match build up Kes Director Ken Loach takes his usual place on the terraces, maybe he could do a film of you, make you look all majestic, like this snappily titled one on Kim Jong-Il. Bath’s mascot, Bladud the Pig, keeps no one entertained by doing press ups. That porcine berk has got to go. Finally the teams line up to the appropriately titled sounds of ‘Ready to Go’ by Republica. Did you have pictures of Saffron from Republica on your bedroom walls and in a locket around your neck like I did Won? God, she was fit wasn’t she?

DOG IN SCARF!! (Must avoid obvious canine related Korean gags)

I must shamefully confess I am not sure how your “labyrinth roentgen” formation lines up, but I’m pretty sure Bath didn’t utilise it. It looked more a 4-4-2 to me to be honest. As you rightly identified Lewis Hogg is “a very talented player, an ace for this team” due to his “wide field of view” and he confirmed this as Bath were the better side initially. However, I am sorry to inform you that defensive frailties were again apparent when Dagenham took the lead through Brian Woodall after only 20 minutes.

Oh joy. An orchestra.

After half time the main bulk of the vociferous Bath fans don’t change ends, they merely shuffle along to the other end of the terrace, to stand to the side of the goal Bath are now attacking. The middle of the terrace being, like the 38^th Parallel North, a no go zone. These are the fans you will need to win over if you are to get the fans to accept your revolutionary tactical approach.

"Help me, get this pig away from me. STOP FILMING ME!"

"Oh christ. Get your trotters off me."

Thankfully, there is good news. Specifically that Bath equalised through a strike from 30 yards from Adam Connolly. The goal was of such supreme quality I doffed my traditional Korean gat in Connolly's direction. You didn't mention Connolly in your tactical advice for the game. Have you downloaded the latest Football Manager update Won?

"Please, someone make this nightmare end"

You were right when you, like a confused Yoda, said “finally, a striker Lee Phillips’ll need to use”. Spot on sir. When he came on he really caused that Dagenham defence problems and again you were right when you said “Scott Murray is recommended that you ought to use the player”. Almost won the game for Bath came with minutes few remaining he almost did, sadly he hit the post.

"I'm RADA trained me. Look at me now, out there, in front of all these people, dressed like a tinfoil twat and doing the waltz with an amourous pig. They told me I'd be going to Bath and performing in front of Ken Loach, I didn't know this is what the chuffing well meant. I'm firing my agent. It's alright for you, you've got a cup of tea. I can barely even sodding breath in this thing."

The match went to a period of extra time. The appropriately titled sounds of 'It's Not Over Yet' by Grace was played over the tannoy. They love their 90's pop here Won. Make a note of this: “How to win over fans if not going well: Get Chaka Demus & Pliers to do a personal appearance”. Those Bath City philistines are probably not aware of the early 90's Korean Pop sounds of Seo Taiji and the Boys though. I laugh at them.

Token match shot.

A man called Tom, dressed as the FA Cup, skipped his female chaperone and served to create a fervour amongst the excited home crowd. Sadly the players were not able to summon up such levels of athletic zeal; I feel this is probably due to the presence of a large bottle of Budweiser being played pitch side for the unfortunate recipient of 'Man of the Match'. Quite frankly, and I don't know if you've drunk Budweiser, but it takes of putrid skunk piss (no offence if this is a delicacy in South Korea, I've never been) and I strongly believe the real threat of being awarded this distasteful beverage meant that the Bath players performance levels declined accordingly. Quite rightly in my opinion Won. Quite fucking rightly.

Things get tense as Bladdud spots a Danepak van in the vicinity.

Sadly Won, you will not be leading the team out at Wembley this year. A terrible decision by the (possibly North Korean) buffoon of a linesman meant that Bath conceded a goal that was ridiculously offside. The conceding of a third goal was, like the seizure of power by General Chun Doo-hwan in 1979, a terrible injustice.

Keep sending the emails Won, one day they'll realise they need you. However, if Bath City don’t take up your generous offer then can I suggest you contact Mr George Rolls at Weymouth FC he’d be delighted to receive your emails.

Yours sincerely,

A I Tinpot

Previously on AiT:

Bath City v Weymouth - Feb 10.
Bath City v Chelmsford - April 10
Bath City v Woking - May 10.

Streets Spirit (Ashton & Backwell United Fade Out)

Ashton & Backwell United v Street Reserves.
Saturday 19th November 2011
Errea Somerset County League – Premier & Division 1 Cup – 2nd Round.
The Recreation Ground, Backwell
Attendance 30 (ish)

You’re 18 years old and it’s the revelation every kid dreads. Mum’s pregnant again. You're parents are turning your 15 year old annoying brother’s room into a nursery and he’s moving in with you. You’re getting bunk beds. It’s all so unfair. Take down those posters of Michaela Strachan, make some space in the wardrobe, clear some space for his Warhammer and shift your colour TV and your CD collection of Bob Marley. Hide your sensi.

That, for the purpose of this paragraph and maybe others to follow and in no way based on any actual facts, is what happened to Backwell United FC when they merged with the pesky kids from Ashton Boys FC in 2010 to form Ashton & Backwell United (from now on, as I cant be arsed to type it out - ABU) and had to incorporate all Ashton’s stuff in their Recreation Ground home.

This Thursday: Lesson 2. How to fix a bracket.

The clubhouse walls have been stripped bare. No trophies. No old pennants. No posters of Michaela Strachan. Every single table looks the same, each one surrounded by the same style four chairs. Except two at the end of the room. I’m presuming Ashton brought them. One is about 30 cm off the ground, rendering it utterly useless, and the other is a fully extended dining room table (yes, it’s an extender!) Cheers Ashton!

What a carpet. WHAT a carpet.

A dozen seagulls look for worms in the lengthy leaf and firework covered grass as the teams line up. The ref, a man looking like the lead singer from Keane pre port addiction, gives his final advice to his two linesmen, both representatives from their clubs. The ABU linesman doesn’t seek to hide his allegiances and remains dressed in full club gear and it’s clear from kick off that play isn’t something he’ll be keeping up with , it’ s something he’ll be influencing with bellowed nuggets of tactical advice and by barracking the ref.

Keep the ball down there and out of my half for flips sake.

ABU’s opener after ten minutes brings him reason to applaud. Shortly after though he’s forced to frantically lumber after a long ball over his defence, which results in a beautifully lofted finish from the Street striker that draws eloquent praise from his team mates; “ beautiful finish you c*nt”. Lovely.

Token match shot.

Like any good underage kid brother Ashton turned up with a load of alcohol. Beer (probably cider actually )barrels are dotted all around the ground, for no obvious reason, they’re lined up outside the club house, stacked behind one of the goals, balanced on wood next to the 30 mud splattered seats of the ‘Bill Coggins Stand’ and two more serve to balance a ladder in front of a rusty pitch side tractor.

Low budget see-saw.

Welcome to Somerset. Where everyone drives a tractor.

A rusty tractor? Yeah, thanks Ashton. It’s rustier than TV-AM’s (and UKIP’s) Rustie Lee. When will we ever need that? Why have you got all these empty beer barrels anyway? What else have you bought us? Sorry, chairs? You thought they’d look nice scattered around the place?

Chair - Plastic, school assembly.

Old school style bucket chairs are piled high, plastic garden chairs line up at the back of the two step terrace and all around the ground Ashton’s chairs are scattered, most of them facing away from the pitch in shame at their unwanted weather beaten presence. Thanks again Ashton. These chairs will come in really useful.

Chair - Plastic, patio.

The chairs are shunned and most of the small crowd stand. One erect (behave yourselves) punter informs his mates that today is the last day that Tim Gudgin will be reading out the scores on Final Score, after 16 years. by using the inadequate clichéd analogy of “he’s hanging up his boots today”. His fellow fans don’t recall Gudgin or his unique undulating intonation, so examples are provided and seem to provide some feint recollection which encourages our story teller to offer, “yeah, he’s hanging up his mic today” to explain his retirement. In his mind this analogy still doesn’t provide the result (home win) required, that Gudgin’s verbal stylings will be a big loss to Saturday afternoons. Another, this time successful, demonstration of the full classified results sparks instant warm impressions by all and allows him to finally provide the analogy he was desperately seeking for to indicate the loss of Gudgin’s renowned verbal skills by concluding “yeah, he’s hanging up his mouth today”.

Clarification 0 - Bemusement 1 R

Go to the naughty terrace and stand there and think about what you've done.

Budget Jenga.

The seagulls swoop on the pitch again at half time, pints of brain addling dirty cider (one of 5 on tap – welcome to Somerset) are supped and the second half starts with another ABU official ambling the line…whilst supping a brew. His tactical advice differs from his colleague and is based around altering the dimensions of their pitch, “lift it”, “raise it”, “get width” and “dig in” all being offered. Someone fire up Rustie Lee.

Can't sit there mate.

The second half is entertaining, with great goals for each side, and is fairly fought; with physio’s called on to spray water on injuries and provide a helping hand to return players to their weary legs.

Ashton & Backwell United 2-2 Street Town Reserves L
Extra time currently being played.

Token match shot II

Both teams strikers continue to press for a winner, while both teams defence’s are happy to whack it clear. Midfielders are now irrelevant. Balls are hacked clear, bouncing off rusty tractors (thanks Ashton) and get stuck in the high branches of the trees. As extra time draws to a close the Backwell manager risks dislocating a shoulder by futilely throwing a branch into the lower branches of the tree; back up is called for. As the final whistle blows another bloke jabs a rusty rake at the lower part of the tree, not a branch moves.

Is there not enough chairs out here! Why do you have to drag one out of the bar?!

Penalty shoot out.

Ashton & Backwell United: Missed

Street Res: Scored

Ashton & Backwell United: Hit bar

Street Res: Scored

Ashton & Backwell United: Keeper saved

Street Res: Scored

Late Result

Ashton & Backwell United 2 (AET) 2 Street Town Reserves R
Street Town Reserves win 0-3 on penalties.


There will be dancing on the streets of Street tonight.

So that was the first big FA Cup weekend of the winter.

Bristol Rovers 3-1 Corby Town
Saturday 12th November 2011
FA Cup 1st Round
Memorial Stadium, Bristol
Attendance: 3,787

It's been a big week for Corby Town FC. On Wednesday they officially opened their new Steel Park stadium with a friendly against Glasgow Rangers, partly due to the town's strong Scottish links, and today the Steelman take on the Gasheads of Bristol Rovers in the 1^st round of the FA Cup.

My non match day club shop is a megastore.

The Corby fans were initially quieter than an Arab Strap B Side. A solitary black and white flag is waved, while a sheet with the Jaegermeister logo emblazoned on it (eh?!) falls embarrassingly between fans not aware with the flag carrying protocol being attempted here. These are non league fans, this sort of exuberant behaviour doesn't come naturally.

Hands up, put your hands up. Too late.
Where do you even get something like this?

However, I was delighted to spot three black and white Corby Town FA Cup rosette's**, numerous scarves half in the black and white of Corby and half in the Glasgow Rangers blue (I heart these scarves) and an old boy proudly sporting the black and white stripes of.....a 1996/7 season Juventus shirt.

"Pauline!.....Pauline!!......Pauline!!!! Where's my Corby shirt? It's the big FA Cup game against Bristol Rovers today. Everyone's wearing their shirts, it's the biggest day in our recent history, it's going to be a sea of black and white and I want to show my proud support for the team"

"Oh, sorry Dave. It's in the washing machine and I've just put a rinse on. Why don't you just wear that Alan Boksic shirt I got you? They're the same colours aren't they? Why does it matter anyway?

"....*slaps forehead* (forlornly) Oh for fucks sake"

Illuminous jacket, woolly hat and prescription sunglasses. A powerful look.

With kick off approaching the obligatory 'FA Cup away day out at a bigger club Glory Hunter Express' arrives and dumps a load of chumps into the ground, swelling the number of Corby fans to around 400. For the dedicated fans you can see the excitement that a match against higher league opposition brings; as the teams enter the pitch a drum is pounded, numerous black and white flags are frantically waved whilst one latecomer throws uninflated black and white balloons into the crowd. Either he's a very tardy man, has severe respiratory problems or has massively misunderstood the basic air filled concept of a balloon.

mmmm flags.

With only a few balloons bobbing around pitch side Rovers almost take the lead after thirty seconds, however Zebroski's shot is horribly mishit. This sets the tone for the first half with Rovers dominating and the game being a bit rubbish really. The glory hunters continue to attempt to start chants that invariably trail off into a confused mumble, or highlight a complete lack of knowledge of even the most basic Corby Town facts, or both; "Hello, hello we are the Corby boys and if you are a... ehhh....."

You can't fault the majority of the Corby fans though, their teenage fan club create a decent atmosphere, not always easy in the open away end, as their team toils away. Throughout the first half they continue to sing, wave their flags and even go for the, rarely seen, chant and prolonged scarf twirling combo. Even going a goal down from a Scott McGleish penalty in 26 minutes can't shut them up for long.

mmm big flag

In the second half they get louder and louder as Corby begin to pen Rovers in their own half. When they equalise, after the ball bobbles in off Callum Reynolds, the non existent roof metaphorically comes off. Players rush from the dugouts and a good old bundle ensues, the euphoric fans launch themselves down the terraces towards the players, elated players pump their clenched fists towards the fans and fans ecstatically punch the air and share gleeful embraces.

The Twilight Happy.

Batshit crazy scenes Geoff.

One guy takes it upon himself to become a Capo and gets his shirt off, grabs what appears to be a toy megaphone, possibly purchased from an Early Learning Centre en route. He then leads some more scarf waving and then impressively orders “shoes off if you love Corby”, an order instantly followed by about a hundred trainer wearing Midlanders. *doffs AiT commerative FA Cup cap, drops shoe, puts shoe on, drop hat, picks up hat* These are the scenes resulting from the jubilation of believing an FA cup upset can happen, the belief that your club will achieve a moments recognition in the nation's consciousness and the expectation of further upsets in subsequent rounds.

There look, on the left, the guy with his toy megaphone. Yeah, I'll buy a decent camera one day.

God I wish Weymouth were in the First Round of the FA Cup again. We played Nottingham Forest once you know.

Sadly Corby's parity is shorter than Wee Jimmy Krankie and 12 minutes later Mustapha Carayol spanks a great shot in. Corby struggle to get back into the game, the shouting subsides slightly and is replaced with classic non league shouts like “you officious little tit ref.” Sadly, on ninety minutes, Chris Zebroski adds a third and the dream is over.

Token match shot.

For every cup upset there's 20 more performances like this. Corby's fans and players can be rightfully proud of their today their endeavours today. A day on which the team's battling performance comes up just short; where long term fans have re-affirmed their love for the club and new fans feel the passion that comes from supporting your home town club on big FA Cup day's like this.

To see the goals click here.

Previously on AiT: Bristol Rovers v Exeter City.

**Note to self - investigate options for AiT Rosettes.

I say that’s entertainment, that’s entertainment

Longwell Green 2-1 Merthyr Town
Saturday 5th November 2011
Toolstation League Premier Division
Longwell Green Community Centre, Longwell Green, Bristol
Attendance: 263

....and the 2011 AiT Poll Winners Party award for 'Least Imaginative Club Nickname' goes to......Longwell Green Sports for their nicknames of; 'The Green' or 'The Sports'. Jeez.

So that's Longwell Green Sports, who play at the Longwell Green Community Centre and are nicknamed 'The Green'; anyone want to take a guess at their club colours?

WRONG

It's blue and white stripes. Obviously.

The nominations for the 'Least Imaginative Club Badge' are in and I can reveal the winner of the award are......with their second award today.....Longwell Green Sports.

They may be unimaginative but they're a friendly and welcoming club. We're warmly greeted at the gate by the Chairman, who takes great delight in seeing two new faces and provides some exclusive team news. The Green have three players out as they are on a stag do in Las Vegas (flip me! Las Vegas. What's wrong with a night out in Bristol and a kebab on the way home these days?? Las Vegas eh? *shakes head*) and one of the midfielders had phoned in at midday with a mysterious, possible beverage related, ailment that left him marooned on the sofa.

If you tolerate this then your children will be next.

Although not everything at Longwell Green Sports is squeaky clean, there's a recent scandal which has engulfed a member of team and is detailed at length in the Chairman's programme notes. "We have had a letter of complaint in this week....with a £50.00 bill for clearing up a port a loo that some how fell over with some one still in side, a club investigation is on going into a matter that is going to kick a bit of a stink in local footballing circles." Arf!

Hermann loves Pauline.

The small community centre, which has recently hosted such events as Claire and Paul's wedding (a doff of the extravagant wedding hat from all here at AiT) and a visit from Paul Weller, is packed, with the only seat available the one underneath the piano in the corner of the room. The trestle table creaks under the weight of the extra, AiT favourite, of chairman's wife made filled bread rolls, the pie oven is full to bursting and the bar tills ringing constantly thanks to a bumper trade of lager and blue WKD (uggh!) being sold to the large crowd of thirsty Welshmen.

That's your actual Paul Weller there.

The Merthyr fans make up about 75% of the crowd and set up a couple of flags on the fence behind the goal, obscuring the views of those too tight to pay the £6 to come in and the team immediately take control while the fans make themselves known to the officials. The linesman gets some friendly advice of when to put his offside flag up and the referee is given some moral support through encouraging shouts like "rubbish referee".

Just before half time, and with mothers in the houses surrounding the pitch frantically seeking to protect their kids from being caught in the cross fire of the barrage of shouts being launched from welsh mouths, the hosts take an unexpected lead thanks to a textbook execution of the 'cross cum shot' from Joe Stearing that loops over the head of the keeper.

Just Enough Education to Perform

The first half ends with the Merthyr fans explaining the foul throw rules to one linesman, who helpfully takes the time to correct them and provide a full demonstration of Law 15 of Fifa's Laws of the Game 2011/12 and demonstrate exactly what constitutes a foul throw. After a period of time that doesn't exceed fifteen minutes, as specified in Law 7b, the second half commences with Merthyr kicking towards their massed ranks of flag bearing vociferous fans and Longwell Green attacking an end where a spaniel chases a tennis ball.

Local boy in the photograph.

The Merthyr fans continue to deploy the international language of screaming to register their disapproval with the referee's performance. There's a shout of "you're killing the game ref" shortly followed by possibly my favourite ever shout of "the game's too big for you." Tremendous. That's a game in the 9th level of football that's been judged as being too big for the ref. If he was to go much lower he'd be sat at home weeping while struggling to maintain order in an unruly game of Super Cup football.

The barracking seems to work. The referee crumbles and gives a soft penalty when a Longwell Green player jumps vaguely near a Merthyr player, making this the most shocking decision involving the Welsh since the NME said that Terris were "the best new band in the UK."

Shortly afterwards the ref falls flat on his face. We all laugh.

Token match shot.

After that the ref seems keen to even things up and one linesmen decides he's not taking anymore nonsense. He responds to accusations that he lives nearby by providing a detailed family history, centring around his great Uncle Cyril Morris, and then barracks a Longwell Green defender for delaying a throw in. The defenders protestations that he's "knackered" are met with a retort of "play at the next level down if you're tired" I guffawed a LOL.

The ref succeeds in evening things up with five minutes left leaving Merthyr equally cursed and blessed. Their captain, Steve Williams, is sent off for a bad challenge and then Longwell Green's defender, Dan Bryant, is sent off after the ensuing handbags and the gladrags. From the resulting free kick Norris side foots The Sports' first shot of the half into the net to give them an unlikely lead.

Generation Terrorists.

From then on Longwell are put under sustained pressure, the keeper comes up for corners and the cross bar is thumped, leaving it shaking like a portaloo in the middle of a roisterous night out with the Green boys. But it's too no avail.

Merthyr fans line the route to the changing rooms and the ref no doubt expects some abuse. He's met with handshakes from The Green manager and chairman and the Merthyr fans are respectful in defeat, acknowledging not every game can be won. With a noisy fan base of this size it won't be long before they shouting about their promotion back up the leagues. Meanwhile The Green have bigger things to focus on, like just what did happen to that portaloo.

Previously on AiT - Hengrove Athletic 0-3 Merthyr Town

Our Love To Admira.

FC Admira Prague 4-3 FK Pencin Turnov
Sunday 23rd October 2011
Divize C
Stadion v Kobylisích, Prague
Attendance: 125

There's much to admire about Admira. I basis this hyperbole on a number of factors.

1. A club badge consisting of a pair of suspicious inter-racial siamese twin horses.

2. The photos adorning the walls of the bar show a recent complete disregard for the bog standrard team photo. Thanks to the gift of Photoshop the clubhouse walls no longer have to show shots like the famous 1965 man boob eleven.

The famous 1965 man boob eleven. Click to enlarge man boobs - there's not yours tubby.

Now Admira can stand proud their team photo in front of a fervent crowd or in front of their new stadium, which looks more than suspiciously like Stamford Bridge with the letters in the stand seats altered to spell Admira!

Good old Photoshop hey!

Is this a little bit weird, or is it just me?

3. The ground is a superb mix of different areas. It's more of a suburban park than a football ground.

a) THERE IS A KIDS PLAY AREA IN THE GROUND.

In years to come people will stop me and ask me about my presence at the Stadion v Kobylisích , home of Admira Prague for the 10-15 kick off against FK Pencin Turnov and say, “Kenny, did the presence of a kids playground in the ground influence your decision to attend? I will answer truthfully and say that “in a roundabout way it did swing it for me, yes.” *groans*

Needs more wood chippings.

Anyone over the age of six is barred from the kids play area. However here at AiT we giggle childishly in the face of authority and stick our tongues out at the muž and his rules; of course I went on the slide and of course I had a go on the springy wobbly Zebedde thing. I'd be letting myself, and more importantly you, down if I didn't.

Mental age, 6.

b) There are three (three) places to buy beer. Yes, it is 10:15 in the morning, but I'm on holiday so it's alright and it's good to have options.

c) There's a bit of decking in one corner, (who doesn't like decking), with a few tables under Budvar (who doesn't like Budvar), parasols (who doesn't like parasols), for your an al fresco early morning livener.

d) Weeds line the the steep, and staggeringly narrow, grassy terraces that mean anyone with a shoe size bigger than a 10 (Eur 44(forty four) should exercise extreme caution when spectating here. Clowns with large shoes on should seek an alternative viewing spot.

e) At Admira you can sit/stand wherever you like. One lone fan seeks an alternative, flat, viewpoint and sits on his chair, dragged from the decking, and sits down in the ideal place; right on the half way line....and right in front of a blue fence post.


f) Admira offer a retirement home for unlove goal posts. You can sponsor any of the goals in this gallery. When you sponsor a goal your donations are used to help all the goals in our care. With your help Admira can re-pitch all these goals.

g ) The asthetic appeal of even the most ugly aspects of a football ground are considered. A skip is beautifully showcased with it's own fence and seven mini trees landscaping it to create a beautiful scene that no football ground should be without.

4. Their fans, including the obligatory one in huge amounts of khaki and shorts despite the freezing weather, are to be admired for being up and on the sauce this early. Further praise is due for their use of the very self aware “Old Boyz” banner and the use of a drum and old school rattle to kick up a bit of a racket; probably not enough to rouse the sleepy residents of the three fog enveloped tower blocks looming over the stand opposite but impressive at this time of the morning.

They are joined on the steep terraces by the ultras from Turnov, who have arrived complete with their two banners – one quite clearly a blue sheet and a white sheet stitched together and the word 'Fans' felt tipped across the middle. The Admira fans were welcoming to their guests and the club website reports that “both groups showed how to cheer for - well, no insults and provocations. And after the game to fans of both clubs unison promised - in the spring and again in Turnov!” You get the idea, the Admira fans were welcoming.

Token match shot.

The game swings back and forth, like a swing and both sides have their ups and downs, like a see-saw. After 16 minutes Turnov take the lead, only for Admira to equalise straight away. However by 41 minutes, and with the fog relenting to reveal three more tower blocks (10 Eastern European Football i-SPY points) peering over the main stand Admira had just conceded a third, which left three of their defenders slumped and defeated in their six yard box. Again though Admira came back immediately and had reduced the deficit again before half time, thanks for a goal that looped in directly from a corner.

Half time sees time for some more fawning over the club.

5. You've got to love a club that's got it's own club crest on sugar sachets. Well, they're probably out of sachets by the team the EFW lot had purlioned a load as souvenirs.

6. They serve food that isn't sausage! Imagine that. After 4 days surviving on bread, sausage and mustard I was delighted to eat this. Whatever it is, there were unconfirmed reports that it contained potato, it was greasier than the sausage that caused a greasy bail out at Polonia Warsaw.

7. Great choice of music. Admira's equaliser, in the forty sixth minute, resulted in The Outhere Brothers – Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) to be played on the PA.

h) A VIP section that consisted of a wooden bench on some fake grass stuff atop a small concrete building. All with a cracking view of the match, but sadly lacking a roof and prawn sandiwches; at Admira even the VIP's aren't that important.

"Hey Petra! Petra!! Look at me, I'm making a substitution!"

"Give me that Ivan you buffoon, I've told you before not to touch the substitute board. Stop showing off to Petra. Why are you on the touchline anyway? Be gone!"

(mumbles) Stupid lousy Ivan. "Hey Petra! Look, over here. Flat 17...yeah 17...come round anytime."

Oh, I didn't realise they'd kicked off.

After 74 minutes Admira put together a slick move that ends with striker Mičko nodding it in off the cross bar. It caused such excitement even the old boy left his fence post and stood up. Admira admirably held out, despite Turnov being reduced to ten men – it's a well known football fact it's harder to play against ten men - and at the the team swapped high five's with the Admira 'Old Boyz' and about 10 EFWers, including me, desperate to slap the hands of our new Czech 4^th division football heroes.