Monday 9 January 2012

God! Show me the magic (of the FA Cup)

Brighton & Hove Albion v Wrexham
Saturday 7th January 2012
FA Cup Third Round
American Express Community Stadium, Brighton
Attendance 18,573

Here at AiT we' would like to welcome our S4C viewing welsh language viewers and therefore this blog nonsense is available in (google translate) Welsh by pressing the red button.

The tragic of the FA Cup.

As if you didn't know in 1991 Mickey Thomas conjured up the magic of the FA Cup when he scored a superb goal as little Wrexham beat big old Arsenal. This is the magic of the FA Cup, it's special. Gus Poyet wrote about it in his programme notes and every Wrexham fans turning up at Brighton dreamt of it the night before. In reality summoning up the magic of the FA Cup is about as likely as seeing Jimmy Krankie knock out Paul Daniels. What? Oh.

**dream sequence**

Horrific vision of Graham Kelly dressed as a Wizard but still maintaining that pained gaze of an septuagenarian straining to hold in a fart.*

"and Bert Millichip, please could you pull out the last home team from the Magic of the FA Cup top hat

Bert has pulled out a large rabbit carrying the Jack of Spades, who represent 'Hackney Marshes FC'. The Great Soprendo if you could be so kind to pull the last team from the hat.

*a flustered Great Soprendo removes a never ending string of coloured hankies tied together*

The plucky minnows of Hackney Marshes FC, who defeated Northwich Victoria to reach this stage, will play a home tie against Kenny Dalglish's Liverpool, containing new signing Jimmy Carter. That concludes the draw for the 3rd round of the FA Cup. It's back to Bob Wilson (anchorman) in the studio where Grotbags will make Sutton United hero Matt Hanlan disappear and Ronnie Radford will be sawn in half by Sooty in this extra special edition of 'The Magic of the FA Cup'"

***dream sequence ends***

When ze big man walks past ze seagulls, it is because he thinks there will be beer and pies.

"La, La, La, La, La, La La, La, La, La.....Brighton". *shakes head*

"Put your hands up, Put your hands up, Put your hands up for Brighton" *holds head in hands*

Oh dear. What's wrong with a bit of 'Ready To Go' by Republic pre kick off. Mmm, Saffron. One Brighton fan waves his tinfoil FA Cup and becomes an instant hero for me, the rest of the Brighton fans sit down quietly in the padded seats as the Wrexham fans stand up and bellow out "We love you Wrexham" at kick off.

We dream the same thing
We want the same thing ...ooh...
And all that we need is to
See it together

At the AmEx Stadium you are never more than 4.2metres from somewhere selling pies and pints. This isn't true but it is scientific fact. If you can't get to the refreshment stand a beer pump on wheels or an attractive women selling pies from a magical bag will come to you. It's genius. This means the every thirsty punter gets his to down his '15 minute challenge' pint of Harveys well in time to follow Gus Poyet's the order on the TV screens to get back to our seats. Which is exactly what we didn't do. If anyone wants to describe Jack Forster Caskey's opening goal to me don't bother, I've got Youtube, I've seen it now. Thanks anyway though, I'll obey Gus next time. mmmm pie.

"Yeah, alright Gus. We'll be there in a minute. We're just finishing our beers alrig......what? 1-0? Who scored?

mmmm seagull pie.

14 minutes later Adrian Cieslewisz uses the magic words "long jinking run culminating in a shot slammed into the net" to send the Wrexham fans bonkers barmy. Now, if I was to invoke an AiT version of the magic of the FA Cup I would say it contained a ramshackle pitch invasion. The Wrexham fans duly obliged. *doff's comedy red wig* The scene gets better as a, suddenly startled, Wrexham fan realises he is shambling round the penalty area on his own and he's now got to outwit the illuminous hulk of a steward bearing down on him. A shimmy here, a drunken stagger, a crazed charge. A textbook headlock and grapple to the floor. A victory for the steward that means this lad doesn't see any more of the game, but he did give over 18,000 people a jolly good actual LOL and that's what's important in this story.

Token match shot.

An inflatable sheep bounces around the Wrexham fans their team look more likely to get the goal needed to fully unleash the super powers of the magic of the FA Cup. No matter how many "izzy wizzy lets gets busy" or "piff paff poofs" the full magic of the FA Cup isn't quite forthcoming today. A one all away draw to a team over 50 places above you in the league isn't bad though and Brighton fans acknowledge this by sportingly clapping the Wrexham players off.

Your actual Modern Toss there.

Local beers for local people.

The great relationship between the fans continues after the game as both sets of fans gather in the West Stand concourse to talk about the game, guzzle more pints and scoff more pies. mmmm pies. The scene continues in Dick's Bar, a superb bar selling both Salt & Shake and beef Monster Munch potato and/or maize based snack fans. Wrexham fans sup celebratory pints of their local Brains ale and mix with Brighton fans quaffing congratulatory Harveys well into the evening and this, happy ending fans (not that sort), is a scene that shows the magic of being a football fan. *wipes tear from eye*

Please note inclusion of full moon for perceived artistic shot.

Now - if you actually want to read about the match don't read The Ball Is Round or The Real FA Cup events, head straight to the Two Hundred Percent account of the day. He wasn't (quite) as roaring drunk as us lot.

1 comment:

  1. That’s a cracking piece; really enjoyed reading it. It was also a top day out with the nicest fans in England.

    Just one thing though: Brains beer has nothing to do with Wrexham. In fact, Brighton is closer to the Green King HQ in Bury St Edmunds than Wrexham is to the Brains brewery in Cardiff. That “local beers for local people” quip is good, but it’s not right.

    Top marks to the catering team for effort and thought, but a big red “See me!” for their Geography homework. We’ll have some Newcastle Brown Ale on for you English lot a week on Tuesday.