Rot Weiss Essen v Bayer Leverkusen II

Hazzard's ahead.

Rot Weiss Essen 2-2 Bayer Leverkusen II

Regionalliga West

Saturday 10th August 2013

Stadion Essen

Attendance: 7,300

Previously on AiT. Rot Weiss Essen v Union Berlin 2012.

Boxes holding 8 (eight) pints of the local beer, Stauder, are sloshed up the terraces. Stauder flows from the backpacks of superhuman men into supped dry pint glasses and men of legal boozing age wear scarves emblazoned with the two main loves in their lives, Stauder and Rot Weiss Essen. 

(Idea for AiT Webshop. Get Old Mother Tinpot to knit one, pearl one woolen scarves emblazoned with the words AiT and Watneys Brown Ale. Together for Ever.)

 

The most popular man in the stadium. 

This is the first time the west stand at Rot Weiss Essen has been open at a competitive match. The old ground is now a pile of rubble next to the new one, one sad lonely floodlight remains. But, this is progress and what progress! Dyson Airblades in the gents. Who doesn't love the supercharged vertical hand drying swoosh of the Dyson Airblade? I love them so much that when I see them I actually wash my hands properly, just so I can dip them into Dyson's airy crevice. Usually its a cursory wave under the taps and then a rub of the thighs and/or anus. If only more football grounds has Dyson Airblades I wouldn't need to fondle my anus so regularly. What progress! For obvious reasons there are no pictures from the Gents. Yes, my battery was flat. (Ba doom tish)

The gents also have.....yeah....I know, two paragraphs on the gents toilets is a new low.....little clay squares with fans hand prints on the wall. How quaint. How very odd. Progress.

They’re a fashionable bunch at RWE. (Not quite MSV Duisburg fashionable though) . In addition to the half and half beer scarves, there’s RWE Kutte jackets, home-made RWE berets, RWE jeans, Half RWE/Werder Bremen scarves, Half RWE/Rapid Vienna scarves and people with their own names written on their shirts. Adult people. With their own names. On a shirt. Why would you do that? Progress probably. We’ll all be doing it soon. Even the RWE team kit has “Essen” written on the front. 

Oh la la, sacre bleu, mange tout mange tout. *shrugs shoulders* How very French.

 

Double denim, Kutte jacket, beer in back pocket. How very German.

How very odd.

The RWE Ultras settled into their new surroundings, waved some flags, fired off some streamers, shouted “Tod und Hass dem S04” to their Gelsenkirchen based neighbours. Their capo jumped into his new fenced off home, threw down some scatter cushions, put some tee lights around and hung a print of the Manhattan skyline on the fence. It’s standard moving into a new home procedure and, also, not strictly true. The capo guy does however have a tattoo of Darth Vader on his neck which is.....um...nice and an actual fact.

 

Obligatory photo of man with megaphone. 

In the ultras former home, on the south stand, stands one man of pensionable age. A man who shuns the noise and hubbub/brouhaha of the standing terrace to make his own racket. He's the last man standing in an all seated area, a lone drummer co-ordinating the voices in his head and the Capo of his own internal chants. He is a hero.

I'm horny, horny, horny, horny.

Not only does he drum away for his own enjoyment he's also spent hours in a dank shed to knock up contraption that contains various different air horns that produce different sound effects. It's like he's done this for my own particular enjoyment. This is progress I salute. Megaphone sir? Shove it. I've got a plank of wood here that contains a horn that makes the noise of the horn on General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard. A doff of the AiT/Hofmeister limited edition cap to your sir. Available from the web-shop now.

Library photo: Arty.

 

The match (paragraph nine – a new record) sees RWE continue with the last 20 years of failing to live up to expectations. 2-0 down in the 46^th minute of the first home game of the season, numerous misplaced places, a flat atmosphere and a team so low on confidence that even back to back honks of an airhorn struggle to inspire them.

70 mins in and Darth Capo calls for his megaphone, he steps up to the challenge laid down by The Incredible Honk in the south stand. It's soon 2-1. Shortly after Konstantin Sawin is put through on goal, Leverkusen's keeper rushes to the edge of the penalty area to intercept him, we all know what's going to happen, the keeper dives feet first and Sawin is flipped up into the air. Penalty! Red card! “Auf Wiedersehen, Auf Wiedersehen” A celebratory toot of General Lee's horn! The penalty is saved. 

The game ends 2-2. RWE have chances but it's not in their nature to win the game. It'll no doubt be another season of underachievement on the pitch but as long as there's Stauder, air horns , thoroughly dried hands and an RWE to support these fans will keep coming back.

Wuppertal SV v FC Kray

There's no place like home

(Gotta keep on and be strong)

 

 



Wuppertal SV 2-0 FC Kray

Stadion am Zoo, Wuppertal

Oberliga Niederrhein

Sunday 4th August 2013

Attendance: 3,023

 

Previously on Adventures In Tinpot: Wuppertal Borussia v FC Kray.

The basic idea of a football league is that each team plays each other twice during a season. Once at their home ground and once at the other team's ground. It seemed to work well.

It doesn't seem to work for Wuppertal SV.

Since last season they've been relegated, entered insolvency proceedings, chopped the word "Borussia" off the club name and the authorities have decided their fans can’t be trusted to visit any town that doesn’t have a Monorail. (1)

 

The latest in the Wuppertal Fashion Disasters Collection.

Their first two away games of the season, at Germania Ratingen 04/19 and the AiTinpot baiting SV Hönnepel-Niedermörmter were postponed as the Police and the slightly sinister sounding Zentralen Informationsstelle Sporteinsätze (Central Information Agency for Sport) decided that Wuppertal has over 300 hooligans and that it was too risky for them to play away games at such tinpot grounds.

 

Of course the Wupper Smurfs.

750 season tickets had been sold prior to the game, which represented a first opportunity to show that the town is fully behind Wuppertal SV. I'd have been all over it if my suggestion to re-brand as the Wuppertal Monorailers had been taken on. Let it go Kenny, let it go. Turns out the locals are behind the club and had, via pathetically inferior transport methods (car, foot etc), turned up at the ground in their kick off delaying droves.

 

Token match shot.

A delayed kick off which nearly asphyxiated a 1,000 or so Wuppertal fans. Shortly before the scheduled kick off a huge terrace covering flag was unrolled. 20 minutes later, 32 degree, 1,000 beer fuelled blokes under a bit of plastic....it can’t have been pleasant underneath there. The flag then opened out to show past players of Wuppertal including.....whose names I needn’t mention as I’m sure we can all mention at least 17 past greats. Eh?

 

"Has someone trumped under here?"

 

The Wuppertal greats there. I decided not to zoom in, we know them all by name already.

 

Wuppertal have got a big, big problem with their supporters though. They sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" before kick off. Jeez. Have you heard a large group of Germans singing the song? Awful. Nasal. Elongated vowels. “Valk on, valk on” What? It’s a W not a V. Give it up lads. I was enraged enough to want to become the 301^st violent Wuppertal fan and knock a few of them out thanks to a swift bunch of fünfs to the chops.

 

Get close to the action! Live the game! Eat a burger! Advertising bullshit!

 

Wuppertal ultras (Idea for re-brand as Wuppertultras? Nah, scrap that) were pretty impressive. All big flags and baggy hats. Who doesn't like a baggy hat. I do. 90’s Britpop baggy hats for all I say. One ultra got to wear a special hat with a video camera taped to his noggin. 90’s Britpop baggy hats with video cameras taped to them for all I, rather oddly, say.

Wuppertal led one nil at half time and half time means, of course, cheesy birthday greetings to Wuppertal supporters sound tracked by Stevie Wonder’s version of the song. Seizing the moment Rainer from Wuppertal also took the opportunity to wish his wife a happy wedding anniversary, always the romantic that Rainer. Flowers? No. Chocolates? Not this year luv. Message on a partly defunct pixelated scoreboard at a 5th division German football match? You cad Rainer, you sly dog. You know how to treat the fillies.

 

 

 

Ultras photo. Pretty standards arms in the air shot, followed by some big flag waving. Pretty much a given around here these days.

 

Both team made subs at half time. In my head the away teams was announced like this. “Half time substitution for FC Kray. Leaving the field Felix Stahmer to be replaced by Julian Bumbullies. That’s Julian Bumbullies. Spelt B.U.M bullies. *descends into guffaws with mic still open*
 

Hi, my name’s Kenny Legg, I’m 31 years old and I admit that I find that surname funny. Send help.

 

 

Emotional fan shot! Goal! Striker!
 

Shed Seven wannabies Wuppertal Ultras keep up the fun in the second half. A banner was unfurled saying “Zentrale Informations Spinners (Central Information Weirdos). Ouch. Take that the man. In your face. POW! This is followed up with a chant of “Jetzt woll'n wir auswärts spielen” (”and now we want to play an away game”) more in hope than anticipation. Further encouragement is offered to the Wuppertal players by an old boy with a trumpet and a tambourine, both of which he plays fuelled only by a diet of chocolate milk like some sort of school music room superhero.

 

Proof I don't make this up.

 

A man who loves to blow his own trumpet.
 

The match ends, 2-0 to Wuppertal. A good start to the season for the team at the start of a long hard season ahead with many challenges on and off the field. A victory represents three points and it’s important not to get carried away is what the club should be saying. Meanwhile in the PA box the man in charge of the Wuppertal gramophone thinks nuts to that, roots through the back of his LP collection whacks on a copy of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” and cranks it all the way up to elf whilst getting massively overexcited. Good on him!

 

(1)       A monorail which wasn’t running today. I wouldn’t even be at this game if I knew I had to board a lousy stinking rail replacement bus service. Are there four more terrifying words in the English language than “rail replacement bus service”? Probably. But that’s irrelevant. The Wuppertal Monorail is a thing of suspended rusty beauty, what better way to arrive at a football ground than after being dangled over a river? Sod off bus.

FC Remscheid v Vogelheimer SV

Now This Is What I Call A Waste Of A Blog Post

FC Remscheid 1-1 Vogelheimer SV

Roentgen Stadion, Remscheid 

Landesliga Niederrhein Gruppe 1

Sunday 2^nd June 2013

Attendance: 150 (ish)

The end of the season, no one's bothered, the games don't matter, people drift in late, even grizzly pensioners can't be arsed, it's easy to let the mind wander. My mind has picked up it's Naf Naf coat, Head rucksack, popped on some baggy jeans back to front and is marching towards 1994 before the teams have kicked off. Which is bad news for groundhoppers wanting a specific description of the tree lined terraces, the weeny little stand, the other ground behind the main stand and every aspect of the tremendous bowl that is FC Remscheid's Roentgen Stadion because you're not getting any more than that.

 

Sweets for My Sweet

Ok, one more little nugget. Behind one goal is a huge advertising board Huge. Wooden. Boring and noticed by no one. I'm sure we've all seen them at some Belgium 3^rd division ground or something, that kind of board. Right. Got a mental image now?

 

Mr Vain

Anyway, it's full of the usual bla. An insurance agent called Richter, a car dealerships called Kaltenbach, a furniture store, German stuff, bratwurst and the like, the stereotypical things. The mind wanders deep back in history and to when music officially began, Now 23. The mind veers off, poses questions. What 90's pop group is closest in alphabetically proximity to Richter Insurance? Reel 2 Reel (ft. The Mad Stuntman)? Right Said Fred (hopefully not). The mind nervously poses a sensible question. Another part of the mind takes it round the back of my mental bike shed and beats the shit out of it.

 

A little bird house for the soul. 

The idiot side of the brain wins out. The answer is Richard Derbyshire and his long since forgotten (never heard of in the first place) Now 25 Disc 2 “shit we've run out of budget” filler “This I Swear”. No, me neither.

 

 Boom! Shake the Room (shed)

 

Look into my eyes, can't you see them open wide, would I lie to you?

It doesn't stop there. It carries on. I have to know more. You need to know more. Why don't we know this already? So, here is a list of the sponsors on the board shown as a line up at a music festival where the bill is made up of acts featuring on Now 23 - 29 (when music died) which are closest in the alphabet to the name of the sponsor. Each band will play one song only, the song which is included on the Now album. In the case of a band having two songs featured between Now 23-29 I have chosen the one which will make me sound more indie, or makes me laugh. Goodnight Springton. There will be no encore.

On the AiTinpot Main Stage (sponsored by Oxfam and subsiding due to previously identified soil unsuitably problems)

Vanessa Paradis 

Be My Baby

Massive Attach featuring Tracey Thorn 

Protection

Blur 

Girls & Boys

Sister Sledge 

We Are Family

Clock 

Axel F

Montell Jordan 

This Is How We Do IT

Sophie B Hawkins 

Right Beside You

Duran Duran featuring Melle Mel & Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five 

White Lines (Dont Do It)

Heaven 17 

Temptation

Weezer 

Buddy Holly

Curfew 11pm.

 

Are you gonna go my way?

SC Remscheid Business Club Other Stage (sponsored by Global Hypercolour)

Aswad 

Shine

Haddaway 

What Is Love?

ABBA 

Dancing Queen

Richard Derbyshire 

This I Swear

Surprise Guest

Representing Rainham Steel – R Kelly singing “She's Got That Vibe”

Ini Kamoze 

Here Comes The Hot Stepper

REM 

What's The Frequency Kenneth?

K7 

Come Baby Come

Please support your sponsors.

Haringey & Waltham Development v Bethnal Green United

(The outskirts of) London Calling

Haringey & Waltham Development 7 (seven) - 1 Bethnal Green United

Coles Park, Haringey

Essex Senior League

Monday 6th May 2013

Attendance: 40 (ish)

"Haringey, you're embarrassing me!"

A managerial motivational class there from Haringey & Waltham Development's manager Tony Levoli. His team were 5-1 up at this point. However, if anyone was embarrassing Levoli it was himself when he said, "remember, making goals is more important than scoring them."

Now that's clearly outrageous wibble. Yes, that's exactly right Tone. Goals are really just an unsightly conclusion to some selfless approach play and, while we're chatting, congratulations on your teams seven assists to one goal victory.

Big shout out to all the groundhoppers in da house yo!

At least Levoli had a game to bellow his guff. A big round of applause please to Bethnal Green for turning up as they missed missed their last away way game at Takeley FC after getting stuck in traffic. 

Remember, owning a satnav is more important than knowing the postcode of the destination and adequately factoring in sufficient time to reach your required destination on a busy weekend for traffic in the direction of the nearby Stansted Airport. 

The pigeon stands.  

Fact alerts. Hold on to your hats as AiT cranks up the Fact-O-Matic 2000 to pad out this frankly paper thin blog. 

Fact 1:

Haringey and Waltham Development are the only team to play on White Hart Lane. Tottenham are fakers. 

Remember, getting people to think you play in a specific location is more important than actually playing at that specific location. The fact Bethnal Green turned up and didn't circle the car park of Tottenham's ground is a fact we should, maybe, be thankful for. 

Perceived artistic shot used to convey dryness of pitch.

Fact 2: Haringey and Waltham Development have atremendous club badge. No one can deny that huge fact nugget.

In order to get a better view of the game this cone had propped itself on a kneeling dog.

Fact 3: Haringey and Waltham Development were originally formed in 2000 as Mauritius Sports. In 2007 they merged to with Walthamstow Avenue & Pennant to form, obviously, Mauritius Sports Association UK. Other geographically leaning suggestions for team names such as The Brian Harvey Jacket Potato Massacre FC and (We're Gonna Rock Down to) Mauritius Avenue were never considered as Ive just made them up. Before the 2012/3 season the team became Haringey and Waltham Development when they decided the old name didn't fit with their corporate brand identity, or something, and the club merged with the "oh yeah I remember them” band Arrested Development. Mr. Wendal was immediately installed as first team manager. 

Remember: Two dollars means a snack for me, but it means a big deal to you. 

A snack clearly means a great deal to this man as well.

This season they have even merged with another team, why not. They've picked the superbly named Greenhouse Bethwin FC, a club named after one of Bob Geldof's less talked about children. One of the ones he keeps locked in the loft. 

The teams are embarrassed to line up and wave to the 23 people in at kick off. I'm not to embarrassed to wave back to the the 22 on the pitch. The ref tries his best to cheer everyone up by telling each player to"enjoy the game". 

Remember: Its more important to enjoy the game rather than win it. 

STRIKER! GOAL! Nice tree also pictured.

Enjoying it was difficult for Bethnal Green. Their keeper certainly didn't enjoy it, "fucking hell can we sort it", their number seven didn't enjoy it, "oh my goodness gracious me." I think Bethnal Green's manager, the diminutive (polite way of saying "fucking tiny") Anton Stephenson may have enjoyed the game only when urging his woeful team to "relax" at the same time as shoving one hand down the back of his trousers and undertaking a frantic soothing arse scratching session. 

Other people enjoying the surroundings were two old boys who were spending their bank holiday weekend in a fenced off area of a car park at a crumbling non league ground in the arse end of London, whilst listening to tinny dance music and firing down cans of Fosters. Why not? 

Remember – It's more important to drink responsibility rather than get mind numbingly drunk so you have the confidence to talk to the ladies. “So......do you come to Haringey & Waltham Development FC often then love?”

This was a poor quality end of season kick about played by 22 (twenty two) hungover men on a bone hard apology of a pitch in the shadow of a DIY superstore. I more than enjoyed the game. 

Remember, creosoting fences is more important than erecting them.

Dynamo Dresden v Energie Cottbus

Happy Birthday Dear Dynamo, Happy Birthday To You

Dynamo Dresden 1-0 Energie Cottbus

Rudolf Harbig Stadion, Dresden

2. Bundesliga

Sunday 21st April 2013

Attendance: 29,153

For this blog you're going to need two friends. Organise yourself into a straight line.

The first one of you shouts “DY” whilst jumping, when your daps hit the ground the second hops high and barks “NA” then the third springs up bellowing “MO”. Now repeat. Faster. Faster again. Now look at yourself. Shouldn't you be working?

This scene when played out with 9,000 yellow clad football fans doing it in perfectly regimented order across Germany's steepest terrace is quite a sight. The Dynamo Dresden fans are quite some fans.

This match was the first home game since Dynamo Dresden became old enough to claim it's Winter Fuel Allowance and turned sixty. There was a midweek firework display, the banks of the river Elbe were turned red through flares, streamers were ordered, a cake baked, celebrity guests invited, commemorative stamps and pin badges produced, someone invited the annoying neighbours and AiTinpot was named official media partner *cough*.

To get the party started the Dynamo fans raised 27,000 (twenty seven thousand) Euros from their own fans and had been working on the decorations for the party for 6 (six) weeks. The staggering display they produced shows each Euro cents well spent. 

The theme of the display was “Dynamo as a stage for the greats of the world” and consisted of cardboard caricatures of famous celebrities who had popped into the K Block to celebrate with Dynamo. Einstein, Maradona, Al Capone, Brad Pitt, Gorbachev, The Queen, Michael Schumacher were all in the K Block for the occasion. Apologies were received from Toni Di Bart and Rusty Lee. 

 

Really, you should watch the video. It's superb. It's below. Underneath the video are the AiT bonus commentary extras outlining my reactions. 

52 seconds: Set your eyes to “stunned”, lower your jaw until it reaches the “agog” position. 

1min: Begin to rock frantically in your chair with your mouth wide open. (Repeat until 2 min 04 seconds) 

1 min: 10 seconds. Say, very loudly, “shit the bed" 

1 min 32 seconds: Gasp as your hat is blown into orbit due to power of awe. 

2min 04s: Shout “Dynamo” over and over like your eyebrows depended on it and realise you've know started bobbing up and down on your heals. 

2 min 31 seconds: Squeal like a girl and clap your hands twice. (This actually happened) 

2min 32 seconds: Arrange your willy in a slightly upright position due to an unexplainable fizzy feeling in your undercrackers. (Obviously......ehhmm...this didn't happen.....) 

2min 40 seconds : Wave a small flag furiously. If you don't have a flag and bin bag will do. 

2 min 45: Notice you have goose pimples. 

 

3 min 15 seconds: Mouth “Fuck me this is brilliant”to the person next to you. If it could be European Footb, Twitt, Instragram's Danny Last then all the better.

To add to the occasion old eastern German foes Energie Cottbus had turned up and had made a display of their own while all this was going on. A display that bought change from Five Euros and took around 37 minutes to make but was effective as a juvenile two fingers up to the celebrations. They'd joined in with the party theme though, but with banners of cocks in the shape of birthday cake candles. Childish. Puerile. Funny

Grow up lads eh.

The match starts, you slump in your chair, mouth wide open and exhausted. 

Token match shot.

The highlight of the game happened before a ball was kicked. The match was largely an irrelevant epilogue to a brilliant display of passion and pride from those present. During the match five guys with megaphones orchestrated the unrelenting din whilst a 3,500 Euro drum provided a pulsating rhythm. The fans jumped up and down in synchronicity, undertook rhythmic hand claps routines, participated in chants where everyone whistled, waved huge Dynamo flags across every eye line and created a wonderful atmosphere fuelled by a battling Dynamo performance and victory.

 

The day after the tio display wasn't quite as spectacular as I remembered. 

The day after the clean up operation was under way in the stadium. Our superb tour guide Jens took great delight in showing us the K Block and indulging Danny and I as we excitedly rampaged through the rubbish left behind and giggly clambered on the Capo stand to lead the packed K Block no one in our hastily made up chants. Jens runs the Dresdner Football Museum which has exhibits all throughout the stadium, old DDR shirts, trophies and all provided with a commentary that leaves you in no doubt about how much this club means to the people of the city. As if it was ever in doubt after yesterday.

DY-NA-MO!

 

 Grow up lads eh...

 

Gorbi, apparently. 

Previously on AiTinpot, VfL Bochum v Dynamo Dresden.

You can find more about the superb Dynamo Dresden stadium tour here. 

More pictures of the making of the tifo display are here  and some from during the game here. 

Danny's pictures are here and there's more over here if you've really not had enough. I've not seen enough.