Sunday 18 August 2013

Rot Weiss Essen v Bayer Leverkusen II

Hazzard's ahead.

Rot Weiss Essen 2-2 Bayer Leverkusen II
Regionalliga West
Saturday 10th August 2013
Stadion Essen
Attendance: 7,300

Previously on AiT. Rot Weiss Essen v Union Berlin 2012.

Boxes holding 8 (eight) pints of the local beer, Stauder, are sloshed up the terraces. Stauder flows from the backpacks of superhuman men into supped dry pint glasses and men of legal boozing age wear scarves emblazoned with the two main loves in their lives, Stauder and Rot Weiss Essen. 

(Idea for AiT Webshop. Get Old Mother Tinpot to knit one, pearl one woolen scarves emblazoned with the words AiT and Watneys Brown Ale. Together for Ever.)

The most popular man in the stadium. 

This is the first time the west stand at Rot Weiss Essen has been open at a competitive match. The old ground is now a pile of rubble next to the new one, one sad lonely floodlight remains. But, this is progress and what progress! Dyson Airblades in the gents. Who doesn't love the supercharged vertical hand drying swoosh of the Dyson Airblade? I love them so much that when I see them I actually wash my hands properly, just so I can dip them into Dyson's airy crevice. Usually its a cursory wave under the taps and then a rub of the thighs and/or anus. If only more football grounds has Dyson Airblades I wouldn't need to fondle my anus so regularly. What progress! For obvious reasons there are no pictures from the Gents. Yes, my battery was flat. (Ba doom tish)

The gents also have.....yeah....I know, two paragraphs on the gents toilets is a new low.....little clay squares with fans hand prints on the wall. How quaint. How very odd. Progress.

They’re a fashionable bunch at RWE. (Not quite MSV Duisburg fashionable though) . In addition to the half and half beer scarves, there’s RWE Kutte jackets, home-made RWE berets, RWE jeans, Half RWE/Werder Bremen scarves, Half RWE/Rapid Vienna scarves and people with their own names written on their shirts. Adult people. With their own names. On a shirt. Why would you do that? Progress probably. We’ll all be doing it soon. Even the RWE team kit has “Essen” written on the front. 

Oh la la, sacre bleu, mange tout mange tout. *shrugs shoulders* How very French.

Double denim, Kutte jacket, beer in back pocket. How very German.

How very odd.

The RWE Ultras settled into their new surroundings, waved some flags, fired off some streamers, shouted “Tod und Hass dem S04” to their Gelsenkirchen based neighbours. Their capo jumped into his new fenced off home, threw down some scatter cushions, put some tee lights around and hung a print of the Manhattan skyline on the fence. It’s standard moving into a new home procedure and, also, not strictly true. The capo guy does however have a tattoo of Darth Vader on his neck which and an actual fact.

Obligatory photo of man with megaphone. 

In the ultras former home, on the south stand, stands one man of pensionable age. A man who shuns the noise and hubbub/brouhaha of the standing terrace to make his own racket. He's the last man standing in an all seated area, a lone drummer co-ordinating the voices in his head and the Capo of his own internal chants. He is a hero.
I'm horny, horny, horny, horny.

Not only does he drum away for his own enjoyment he's also spent hours in a dank shed to knock up contraption that contains various different air horns that produce different sound effects. It's like he's done this for my own particular enjoyment. This is progress I salute. Megaphone sir? Shove it. I've got a plank of wood here that contains a horn that makes the noise of the horn on General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard. A doff of the AiT/Hofmeister limited edition cap to your sir. Available from the web-shop now.

Library photo: Arty.
The match (paragraph nine – a new record) sees RWE continue with the last 20 years of failing to live up to expectations. 2-0 down in the 46th minute of the first home game of the season, numerous misplaced places, a flat atmosphere and a team so low on confidence that even back to back honks of an airhorn struggle to inspire them.

70 mins in and Darth Capo calls for his megaphone, he steps up to the challenge laid down by The Incredible Honk in the south stand. It's soon 2-1. Shortly after Konstantin Sawin is put through on goal, Leverkusen's keeper rushes to the edge of the penalty area to intercept him, we all know what's going to happen, the keeper dives feet first and Sawin is flipped up into the air. Penalty! Red card! “Auf Wiedersehen, Auf Wiedersehen” A celebratory toot of General Lee's horn! The penalty is saved. 

The game ends 2-2. RWE have chances but it's not in their nature to win the game. It'll no doubt be another season of underachievement on the pitch but as long as there's Stauder, air horns , thoroughly dried hands and an RWE to support these fans will keep coming back.

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