World Cup Tat

Flogging the World Cup....

AiT has long held the theory that companies will  try and flog any old shite by making a tenuous connection to football. At the last World Cup AiT's undercover reporter went into English supermarkets and successfully proved the theory, this time we've been out and about in Germany and the results are terrifying.

 

A World Cup themed sausage. Because Germans need encouragement to eat *more* sausages.  

 

Oh well played Axe. Well played. A sticker album of players wives. I've got a bathroom full of Java deodorant cans now after a failed attempt to complete this collection. Phwwwoooarr!! Chicks! 

Super noodles and football go together like a chicken and a speed boat. 

 A sad dog and some bowls of dog grub are used by the Deutsche Bahn to ehh....get people to travel on a train more often. Works for me.

It's toilet paper!!! Why do you need to put ANY advertising on it. It is what it is. It does it's job, we all buy it, there's no need for a football on the packaging. It's not gonna make me shit any more often! FFS!

Cardboard floodlights as part of an instore display. This works for me. This definitely works. AiT says "Drink Coca Cola, holiday are coming, drink Coca Cola, the real thing. Mmmmm, Coca Cola"

EAT MORE KINDER SURPRISE EGGS OR WE TAKE PETER SHILTON HOSTAGE!!! DON'T THINK WE DON'T MEAN IT!!

This is, genuinely, the mug of a young Rudi Voeller on the face of a Kinder chocolate bar. Didn't buy them. A picture of Frank Rijkaard gobbing in his perm and I would have cleared the shelves. 

 Holsten Pils! Who knew it still existed? Should have spent the money sponsoring Tottenham again.

 It's a mattress!! No one buys a mattress on a whim! No one thinks "oh, it's Switzerland v Ecuador in the magnificent spectacle that is the World Cup this afternoon and because of this I should purchase a new mattress at my earliest possible convenience."

 

Super Dickmann's. Super Dickmann's. Super! Dick. Mann.

The official DFB Fan bike set. Holy smoke. This is an "official" product. Football is "officially" dead to me.

Jogi Low looks absolutely delighted to be holding a sweatshop produced T-shirt that no one, absolutely NO ONE is ever going to wear. 

The text on the side says "with funny fan set to build". Jeez, the phrase "funny fan set" makes my skin bubble. 

 

Pringles have previous with AiT. They've pulled this stunt before and it wasn't funny then. 

 

Toothbrushes. I buy a new toothbrush once a year, whether I need it or not, buying three (even if they do look very pretty in German colours) is fresh madness.  

Although this milk drink is called Jose Strawberry the likeness to a certain high profile Premier League manager is fooling no one. Steve Bruce, get your lawyer on the phone!

Eggs painted to look like footballs. What has become of us as a race?

Blau Weiss Friedrichshain v FC Kreuzberg II

Heaven Is A Place On A Roof

Blau Weiss Friedrichshain 1-2 FC Kreuzberg II

Metro Fussballhimmel, Berlin

Kreisliga C, Berlin

Sunday 31st May 2014

Attendance 60 (ish)

Blau Weiss Friedrichshain play in the Kreisliga C, the lowest level of the Berlin league system, but on (get this irony fans - someone get Alanis Morissette on the phone) the highest pitch in Berlin. A pitch on the roof (THE ROOF!) of a Cash and Carry (A CASH AND CARRY!) Mmmm, now that’s good tinpot.

The stadium, which is a whole 12m off the ground (ok- we’re not talking breathing difficulties during World Cup Qualifiers in La Paz here), is tremendously called “Football Heaven” and yes, there is a stairway to Football Heaven. It has a 300 capacity, main stand on wheels and spectacular views over legendary all night disco party Berghain, the East Side Gallery the O2 World and the TV Tower.  It also has the type of Astroturf that would ruin your legs if went for a sliding tackle. It’d give you one of them nasty burns. One of them that rub away against your trousers for fucking ages.

Prior to this season Blau Weiss Friedrichshain were playing in Berlin’s “Freetime” league. During their first season in real tinpot they stand on the brink, some say cusp, of promotion if they could manage to avoid defeat against FC Kreuzberg II (Part Deux).

Kick off was at the lie in ruining time of 10am. Prior to kick off excited young Friedrichshain players enthusiastically go through pre prepared warm up routines. At the other end of the roof overweight Turks amble around, occasionally hoofing a ball, or stretching against the fence. Dolly Parton, Bryan Adams and Lily Allen loom large over the pitch, their pixelated faces flickering on the big screen dangled on the wall of the 02 World.

Word. Yo. 

The Blau Weiss Friedrichshain website demanded that the fans bring “something that is blue and white, a whistle, a rattle or a flare”. As it turned out the only thing anyone brought with them was a packed breakfast. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, messes with a Germans right to a leisurely weekend breakfast. At kick off no whistles are blown, no rattles are twirled or flares lit; instead the only noise comes from the rustling of paper bags full bread rolls, the tearing open of packets of salami and the pop of plastic lids covering cheese spreads being removed.

The breakfast club. 

In the time it takes a German to slap some cheese and salami on a bread roll a long punt down field leaves a surprised, and yawning, FC Kreuzberg II ("Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water”) striker through on goal. With a clear view of the whites of the keepers eyes, or in the bedroom windows of the 5th floor flats behind the pitch, he shuffles through on goal. One scuffed shot later and FC Kreuzberg II (The Smell of Fear) are ahead. Bread rolls are angrily chomped. My stomach rumbles. Even at 10:02am it’s berluddy hot, I could definitely have fried an egg on one of the seats.

Token match shot. 

FC Kreuzberg II (The Story Continues) are two nil ahead before breakfast has even reached the third serving of bread rolls. 12 minutes later and breakfast has now moved on to the fruit course and, more importantly given the vague notion of this being a football blog, Blau Weiss score a goal. The tremendously teutonically titled Fritz Fischer fires a shot across the roof that would have reached from the bakery section to the frozen pizza aisle of your standard Asda Wal-Mart supermarket.

The second half sees FC Kreuzberg II (and the Temple of Doom) battle to thwart BW Friedrichshain. Tempers, and layers of skin covering the knee caps, get frayed. Shouts of “we've got to work on Monday” and “you know how the pitch burns” accompany threats of physical violence. Unfit (but fitter than me)  men battle to contain energetic young ‘uns with a defensive system that consists of hoofing the ball as far as possible and an attacking strategy that focuses on shooting from miles out, because running towards goal just isn’t an option anymore. Somehow it works and, with breakfast drawing to a close, and discussions about lunch options beginning, the players of FC Kreuzberg II (The Legend Continues) fall to Heaven’s floor victorious and exhausted.

Erzgebirge Aue v Union Berlin

Erzgebirge Aue - A Fashion and Lifestyle Special.

Erzgebirge Aue v Union Berlin

Erzgebirgsstadion, Aue

2. Bundesliga

Sunday 6th April 2014

Attendance 12,000

Purposely remote to keep you fashionistas and hipsters out, the German town of Aue is the centre of this year's fashion world  The town's chic epicentre is it's football stadium, where modern fashion trends are dictated and lifestyles shaped. AiT was there when Erzgebirge Aue launched their 2014 collection and we can now give you an exclusive glimpse into what you'll be wearing by the time it's already gone out of fashion and highlights what's in in interior design. 

Erzgebirge Aue 2014 Menswear Collection. 

It's official! HATS ARE BACK!!
We've been waiting for hats to make a triumphant comeback and this woolly, rolled up number is so damn triumphant it should be paraded round Aue on it's own open top bus tour.  

The model. A classic weather beaten German look. Sausage gripped with both hands, dodgy moustache and  make up which screams "those shots at 3am were a bad idea". We love it.

 

Hats. YES! Rolled up......rolled further up....rolled right up....finally rolled into a point that gestures gloriously to the sky where the fashion gods nod approvingly and provide rapturous applause. Comes with optional AM radio antenna that can be incorporated into the peak.

H.A.T.S. Hmm, this one has dampened our expectations somewhat. But this guys cheeky face, which looks like it's been drawn by a seven year old, complete with playful tiny mouth on an off centre angle, means we begrudgingly include this head topper.

Hats! This standard (very basic - could have looked better) baseball cap comes with an additional (optional) two tufts of wiry hair and a bushy moustache, which can be combined to form this powerful German look.  A daring approach and we're not sure. 

 

More hats! Too much of a good thing? Maybe. We love a top hat though and we're all absolute suckers for the bushy hair and moustache combo (available also in black with a baseball cap - see above). We're convinced. 

Will football fans wear beefeater style hats? They should do. Tall hats are in. Add in the bushy hair, the beard and the moustache on this fan and we expect to see terraces across Europe packed with fans wearing these. This poor model needs to go to a dentist though, just look at those teeth. Outrageous. A gummy misjudgement.

Aue love the hat. We don't know about this one. W? W for why? ARE WE RIGHT?! The hat is only slightly redeemed by the optional mini floodlight that can be Pritt Sticked to the brim for a sum of 4 Euro (see model on right). 

A jaunty hat that looks like a football. This is not a hat as we know it. We're confused. Again, serious dental hygiene issues are exposed in Aue due to the embarrassing ruddy cheeks, a sign of poor gums, and drooping tongue sported by these two (hopefully now out of work) models.

An Erzgebirge Aue scarf stitched onto to a truly luscious mullet wig to create a timeless look. Classic German. This Aue fan could only look more German if he was dancing to oompah music with David Hasselhoff whilst eating a bratwurst. Bravo!

WOW! Just WOW! Bob Marley trousers. A colourful extravaganza paying homage to Aue's most famous son, who was famously raised in the mountainous area of southern German and continued to live there all his life, often paying tribute to the region in his lyrics. 

The Marley trousers forms the colourful centrepiece of Erzgebirge Aue's range of reggae trousers. Also available are Pato Banton jogging bottoms, Warren G cycling shorts, Apache Indian breeches and Chaka Demus and Pliers knickerbockers. Daring.

How does Bob Marley like his Donuts? 

He doesn't. He's dead. Famously, the dead don't like donuts. The jam gets all over their skeletal fingers. 

Erzgebirge Aue 2014 Womenswear Collection

A hairband is basically just a small hat isn't it? We're not sure about this women's purple rinse or her dodgy coat but her smile makes us want to write sonnets.

These two glamorous damsels the Erzgebrige Aue purple highlights wig. Sadly the damp conditions saw the colours run and leave a rusty coloured monstrosity on their heads. A highlight themed low light of an inspired collection.

Enough hats, now it's time to move slightly down the face. A range of women's glasses is a daring move for any football club. But a range of glasses that only covers the top half of your peepers means this is a ludicrous idea and an optical disaster. 

 

Christmas carol chic for the ladies? Ding dong merrily on high and gloria, hosanna in excelsis this is a terrible idea!!

Erzgebirge Aue 2014 Interior Collection

Jack Frost is one fearsome icy bastard but he doesn't stand a chance against any beholder of this Erzgebirge Aue ice scraper. Winter mornings will never be the same again.

Erzgebirge Aue are no walk over. This door mat is. Clean your feet. Take off those sandals young German. Nice pulled up white socks you're wearing there. This door mat makes any house a home. A home without muddy foot prints. Over priced at 19,95.

Every fashion conscious dog is wearing T-Shirts this year. Given the fixation with hats in this years range we had expected to witness pets in hats. Who wouldn't want to see a labrador in a trilby?

The Erzgebirge Aue pet clothing range takes a shocking turn with the bizarre inclusion of this drug addled frog/green duck in a tie? WTF? If you see one of these in your pond, or your local lake, please fill it with concrete immediately.

Viktoria Köln v Rot Weiss Essen

Land Of My Viktoria

Viktoria Köln 2-2 Rot Weiss Essen

Sportpark Höhenberg, Köln

Regionalliga West

Saturday 25^th January 2014

Attendance 2,017

The German winter break forces me to confront a bleak, footballless reality. Last year I tried to fill the aching void with a series of new hobbies such as basket weaving and making little boats made of matchsticks and putting them into empty wine bottles. All of which failed to compensate for the exhilarating thrill of watching a dull 0-0 in the German 6^th division during ball shrinkingly cold weather. 

Nutty German fan. Tick.

This winter, I decided the tedious bullshit of five weeks without football was too much to bear. In late December I settled down inside a hay lined cardboard box, fitted with a complex air regeneration system (holes punched haphazardly in the side with a pencil), pulled my head inside my body and woke only on Saturday morning to find the UK’s official hibernation waker-uppers, ex Blue Peter presenters Mark Curry and Yvette Fielding (sadly no Konnie Huq, thankfully no John Leslie), looming over me to greet my triumphant awakening. 

 

Freeloaders. Oldschool. 

After emerging blinking into the sunlight, with my head wedged in amongst the rubble of my shattered collarbone, I consulted the tinpot websites, cross referenced them against train times, read a letter from my employers informing me I should seek alternative employment as, apparently, humans don’t officially hibernate and set off to the Sportpark Höhenberg, home of Cologne’s third biggest side Viktoria Cologne. 

After a unsuccesful day working on new song lyrics a badly aged Brian Harvey decided to throw his endeavours away and enjoy a cigarette.

Viktoria were formed via a series of mergers with clubs with vaguely amusing names, including, SV Kalk 04, Preußen Dellbrück and latterly, and possibly most semi-amusing, FC Junkersdorf in 2011. Viktoria are one of the favourites to win the league, have ambitions to reach the Bundesliga and are backed by Franz-Josef Wernze, a man with Scrooge McDuck levels of wealth secured from his ownership of one of Germany’s biggest tax consultancies. With his wodge’s of cash the club has signed players with Bundesliga experience and are about as popular as the unannounced arrival of a fastidious tax man at a shady lower league club. 

Rot Weiss Essen are AiT favourites. They have average attendances of over 8,000, have won the Bundesliga and have ambitions of playing their again but, like an over confident hare competing against a narcoleptic tortoise in a purely metaphorical sprint dual they never manage to achieve the expected success, due to their own staggering ability to scupper their own endeavours.

 

Now obligatory AiT shot of ultras.

Token match shot. 
Including huge tent, for sponsors and VIP’s and it’s a place ruffians like me, and to a greater extent – you, will never see inside of.  

The stadium has, unlike this blog, won awards and an award no less prestigious than the tepidly contested 1993 “IOC/ IAKS International Architecture Award for Sports and Leisure Facilities”. I also awarded it an AiT “One Thumb Up” Award and will no doubt see all publicity material updated to include this prestigious honour in due course. 

In a bizarre pre match twist Viktoria decide to play the RWE club song over the tannoy, “And now here at Old Trafford raise your scarves ladies and gentleman as we intimidate our despised Liverpudlian guests by having a singsong of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’”

 

MBS Logistics - Proud sponsors of Viktoria Köln and home of the frankly creepy skull less logo. 

The RWE song is a joyous, toe tapping ditty and internet research has revealed that a) I have far too much spare time and b) the song is called Adiole, it’s sung by Swedish singer Sim Malmkvist and it reached the toppermost place of number 25 (fünfundzwanzig) in ze German charts in 1960. More googlebased timewasting reveals that Malmkvist also recorded a cover of "Where TheWild Roses Grow" by Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue in SWEDISH. Seeing as we're talking Swedish music, and we really *should* do that more often, here's a link to "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base. 

Just as I'd planned it, two flags and a passing football.

 

Viktoria’s club anthem (anthem – not song) is the standard oompah, slap your things, wear a silly hat type cringe inducing number loved by ze locals. The song is notable for maintaining the approved German standards of musical shitness, whilst riding roughshod over existing song text legislation and rhyming Viktoria with Bundesliga, through the agonising incorporation of elongated vowels to form “Bundesleeeeeeegaaaaaaa”. 

Ha. Wiener. Ha. Steffie.

Viktoria lined up without striker Lucas Musculus, a player notable for having a surname similar to a budget 1980’s TV cartoon hero ("Save my Musculus! Save me from the clutches of evil tyrant Brutarus"), but did start with a player called Mike Wunderlich, a player notable for having surname that translates as “whimsical”. 

Whimso (as absolutely none of his friends call him) scores two goals while RWE stick to what they do best and make things hard for themselves by going two goals down, down to ten men, down, down deeper and down and, finally, down in the tube station at midnight. In the fifth minute of injury time a textbook goalmouth scramble sees Marks Heppke score an equaliser which leads to a pitch invasion, shouts of abuse against the home manager and oh my GOD I’ve missed you football. SCREW YOU WINTER, SCREW YOU!