Monday 5 December 2011

Stories from the City.

Bristol City v Middlesbrough
Saturday 3rd December 2011
The Championship
Ashton Gate, Bristol.
Attendance 14,467

Last Tuesday Bristol City announced losses of a mere £11,454,525 (eleven mill...a lot), taking total losses over 3 years to over £30m (thirty million). *

The loss was announced on the Tuesday and on Friday the club announced two vacancies; one for a Group Financial Controller and the other for a Financial Assistant. That afternoon half of the entire City staff endeavoured, unsuccessfully, to shut a barn door that had mysteriously opened, while the other half tried to locate a stallion that had been seen fleeing the scene in an agitated state.

***Warning – attempt to crowbar in fact coming up.***

The flats surrounding Ashton Gate were actually the ones used in Only Fools and Horses. In an attempt to get some money in quick City offered a reduction Del Boy would have been proud of. They're not asking the usual £30 for tickets, they're not asking for a score, who said £15 – put your money away love, it's only a tenner a ticket and now, because of their generosity, little Jon Stead is going hungry this Christmas.

How much for two tickets?

If that little money raising plan doesn't work City have a winner of an idea. Guinness copyright infringing T-Shirts celebrating new manager Derek McInnes' four wins in his first seven games. Win this game and there's every chance McInnes' face will be photoshopped into his own range of lawsuit inducing tracksuits, produced from a mush in Shepherds Bush.

This years fashion must have in BS3.

If short term novelty T-shirts haven't got you hastily re-writing your Christmas list then City have got just the item for you. Bristol City Roller Blinds. Amazing. Now, I know you've all got one burning questions here, can these roller blinds be fitted within the recess to work with my existing curtains? Good news, these Bristol City Roller Blinds can be “fitted within the recess to work with or without existing curtains”. What a Christmas this is going to be for the “dedicated Bristol City fan”.

This time next year we'll be millionaires, which is a shame because we are currently carrying total financial liabilities of some £30+ million, therefore £1m is only around 3% of our total current debt Rodney.

City aren't going to turn down the sponsorship shilling and there are a few signs signs for local businesses. The 'Boro fans (poor bastards) are situated behind a sign for The Three Lions pub, south Bristol's most unwelcoming pub for away fans, which was once frequented by Danny Dyer and also by a police horse which, undoubtedly, had more of an acting range.

Denzel brought in this shipment of Spartak Moscow gnomes this morning, stick a Bristol City logo on the shorts and go and flog em.

They are separated from the home fans by a bunch of City flags, from groups like Forza Eastend. At the other end of the terrace is an impressive mural including 'Ernie the Robin' and the words “when the moon shines”. Why “Ernie” and why “when the moon shines”? Wurzels lyrics of course.

Forza Eastend are admirably trying to create a decent atmosphere at the games. There's some decent photos here, some decent flags, some flares and Ernie graffited into a duck pond. “Try anything you aquatic mug and I'll get some proper nawty hoisin out, right?”. (Just joking eh lads, eh). They've also got some sort of manifesto, which includes “issuing advice for the correct purchase and consumption of our local apple based beverage.” *doffs commerative 30 years of The Wurzels hat*

Behind door 24 it's a set of Bristol City Roller blinds beautifully fitted within the recess to work with the existing curtains.

Shortly after kick off the only audible sounds of two old boy regulars behind me grumbling at those struggling to find their £10 seats. Middlesbrough keep possession, knock it round nicely and I'm sure it's all very pleasing on the eye, and how football should be played, but it's bloody boring. City get the ball occasionally and look for Albert “Alby” Adomah, a tricky winger who has been linked to West Brom, Fulham, Tytherington Rocks and Jossy's Giants. For Middlesbrough Nicky Bailey looked good, so good that even I noticed and hey, hands up I'll admit it, I'm no Zonal Marking.

Matching Santa hats. *shakes head*

Half time brings “the charge of the light brigade”, according to the old boys, as everyone piles out for Bovril. If I'd have known City we're going to play 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by pissing Toploader I'd have puffed out my chest, mounted my stead and led everyone ala Lord Cardigan in a recklessly brave attempt to storm the PA box and save us all from these offensive Jamie Oliver endorsed sack of taste the difference fuzzy haired shitbags.

There were also cheerleaders. They were called Vivacity.

Vivacity (noun) - characterized by high spirits and animation.

Also Viva City. Clever. Very clever.

The second half sees the locals get more animated as a perceived number of decisions go against them. It remains pretty dull. You know it's a bad game if even the local paper refers to the game as a “forgettable encounter” and the old boys behind me greet another mishit pass with “this ain't amateur football”. Oh sir, how I wish it was. I really do. £30 for this. No thanks.

Token match shot.

There was one bit of quality. An absolute belter of a free kick from Ravanelli, Juninho, Mido, Phil Stamp, someone called Malaury Martin. I've never heard of him. He's never heard of me. We get on fine. It's all here, the goal, the celebrations.

All my other photos were blurred, this is about the only one that wasn't and yes, I realise, it is very dull.

With that a pair of Middlesbrough fans dressed as Santa mock City's Eastenders, the home crowd chant “1-0 to the referee” and the City accountant worries what effect this defeat will have on the sales of those ill conceived Derek McInnes blow up dolls and pelmets the marketing department insisted upon.

*If you did want to read more about City's financial state have a look over Swiss Ramble's excellent account of City's eh accounts.


  1. Nice cheerleader mention .... a sturdy crew indeed.

    More cheerleaders please.

  2. Sir, the cheerleaders were fine example of footballers.

  3. I NEED those roller blinds.

  4. Looking for a bit more info re them blinds? Worth the money or no?

  5. Those blinds are MINE.

    Woe betide anybody who pushes into the que before me.

  6. Anons - Thinking of asking for a discount on a bulk order, let me know if you're keen and size of blind required.