An Alternative To Love
Fortuna Düsseldorf II 2-2 Fortuna Cologne
Saturday 7th December 2013
Regionalliga West
Paul-Janes-Stadion, Düsseldorf
Attendance: 1,023
“Cologne, Cologne, die Scheiße von Dom.”
"Cologne, Cologne, the shit from the Cathedral."
Düsseldorf hates Cologne, Cologne hates Düsseldorf. It's how it is.
The Paul Janes Stadion offers modern ticketing facilities....
.....and superb sight lines of the action out on the pitch.
Even though this match is a fourth division game between Fortuna Düsseldorf's second side and
the second biggest team in Cologne the above chant gets a vociferous airing at
kick off. With the Fortuna first team playing 1. FC Cologne in three weeks it’s
a convenient time to rehearse the chants, fire up the inner Hate-O-Matic 5000
and practice flipping
the Stinkefinger.
"Lick my Stinkefiner Eagles"
“Ihr seid leiser als Fortuna Köln.”
“You're quieter than Fortuna Cologne.”
“You're quieter than Fortuna Cologne.”
The above chant is a German favourite. It’s the Germanic, polite version of
the excessively sweary English “You’re support is fucking shit”. Oh, the
delicious japery of sitting in a crowd actually
singing it to, barely audible, Fortuna Cologne fans. The majority of the away
fans respond by flipping
the perfect Stinkefinger.
While they’ve not got the loudest of fans they are largely acknowledged with
having Germany’s
oldest ultras group. The Fortuna Cologne "Eagles" were formed in
1986 by two Italians, named Renato and Marco (of course Renato and Marco), who
were inspired by the “Lazio Eagles" ultras group. Here ends the facts
section of the blog.
"What is this now, some sort of ultras blog or what?"
“Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus”
“Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus”
Goal music. Awful. Song 2. Seven Nation Army. Other songs with numbers in.
The entire 5ive back catalogue.
When Marcel Hofrath gives Düsseldorf the lead “Nelly The Elephant” booms
out. Nelly. The. Elephant. If we must endure music after every bloody goal then
jaunty jangly childhood songs are clearly the way forward.
Derby game, streaming rain, you’re down to ten men, midfield clogger powers in 30 yard last
minute winner that Yeboah’s
off the crossbar. Mild celebrations ensure. That is until the addition
of “Wheels On The Bus” sends the crowd round and round into raptures all day
long.
The away team are pumping you 0-6, your keeper’s been sent off, that shithouse
former striker has scored a hat trick, most of the crowd have left, it’s
pissing down and with two minutes to go your defender shins in a consolation.
But wait. What’s that noise? Ahh, it’s “Ring A Ring O Roses” crackling through
the PA. That’s cheered everyone up hasn’t it? Hold hands everyone! Football is
only a silly game after all.
A memorial to Fortuna Düsseldorf's most famous fan, Gummy the two toothed octopus. An octopus famous for using washing up liquid to clean his chips.
“Alle auf der Elf.”
“All on the eleven.”
Form a baying mob, pick an
opposition player and make them pay for being on an opposing side by layering
thick layers of abuse on them. Classic football fan-dom. Düsseldorf fans choose
Cologne’s number 11, Tobias Steffan. This being Germany the abuse wasn’t
spontaneous and had to be communicated effectively to all, and agreed upon by
the majority, before it can commence. First one fan starts to sing “Alle auf
der Elf”, then a block and then the whole crowd join in to signify their
readiness to abuse the agreed target. Then, and only then, can the booing, whistling
and jeering begin. Tobias Steffan cops the home fans full abusive repertoire.
BUNDLE!!!
Shortly after he runs over to the
stand, ears cupped and with a “fuck you” smirk on his face. A smirk that quite
clearly states; “Screw you! Screw you Düsseldorf. I just scored a goal against you and your pathetic
city. A city which has nothing that can compare to the architectural splendour
of our 765 year old Gothic style temple of worship and it’s two awe inspiring
towers which, as I’m sure all you are aware, remain the second-tallest spires
in Northern Europe after Ulm Minster.” The home fans are livid. This is an
affront to Düsseldorf. This was not agreed during the terms and conditions of
the agreed abuse.
The home team bench there. A bench which is actually two plastic chairs.
The away team bench there. A bench which is actually a bench.
Düsseldorf go back in front with eight minutes left. There’s now a real
derby atmosphere. Düsseldorf’s assistant manager is sent off, there’s a melee,
followed by a scuffle, Düsseldorf’s manager is sent off, there’s some pushing
and (the always never far behind) shoving. Meanwhile, the Cologne manager stomps
around furiously like an despondent Nelly The Elephant forced to spend her
later years in a cramped, rusty cage before being coerced to do her “happy
dance” thrice daily for a concerned, but nevertheless still applauding, crowd
of middle aged picture happy tourists. The home fans bellow for their players
to hold on to the lead, they bark at the opposition’s number eleven, the away
fans are inaudible, the away goalkeeper is up for a free kick, the ball falls
to him, he dribbles, he’s fouled. It’s the last kick of the game, the Cologne
number 11 will take it. It’s all on the eleven.
The eleven curls it into the top
corner. It was always going to happen like that.
Token match shot.
Once again Steffan celebrates by
winding up the home fans, before becoming the base of a classic bundle/pile on.
I maintain a look of disgust, while inwardly pissing myself laughing. Who
doesn’t love it when a player sticks it to the fans? Obviously the goal needs
accompanying music and, thrillingly, my mind’s inner jukebox (50p a song or 5
for £2) settles on “If You’re Happy And You Know It Clap
Your Hands”.
The Eagles, and the other Cologne
fans, are happy and they know it, and they really, REALLY wanna show it. They
do show it. Steffan leads the fence clambering celebrations of the team. The
fans are now clearly audible, "Alle auf der Elf, alle auf der Elf”. Take
that Düsseldorf! Take that delicious irony you suckers, they (maybe) say.
