Sunday, 17 April 2011

Could go your way, could go mine, Either way one of us is (hopefully not) going down.

Weymouth 2-4 Hednesford Town
Saturday 16th April 2011
Zamaretto Premier League
Bob Lucas Stadium, Weymouth
Attendance: 489

In life three things are certain. Death, taxes and that you are never more than 10 feet away from someone who knows that Weymouth FC are in "financial trouble" and/or that Steve Claridge use to be manager.

My most memorable/worst ever version of this hypothesis being last October when I was stuck on a bus for 5 (five) hours with a coach full of football fans from across Europe in Slovakia who found it hilarious to continually announce the Weymouth result over the microphone after news of Weymouth's 9-0 spanking against today's opponents Hednesford came through. Bloody good trip though.

Why was I on a coach full of randoms in Slovakia? You do know about Danny Last's European Football Weekends site and its annual big boys beano, no? When Saturday Comes doesn't do package tours but if they did....

First of many planning applications on the site of the Bob Lucas Stadium no doubt.

Slick link to opening sentence coming up.

Weymouth are playing for the lives on the pitch, with three games left we are miraculously one point above the relegation zone, after romping to victory against Tiverton last week. However the tax issue could be more prevalent (pretty slick link there eh?! ). Rumours on the Terras Talk fans forum suggested that the good folk at HM Revenue & Customs have been at the club this week and, if true, let's hope they uncover something that can, in some small way, help to bring our club back from its George Rolls inflicted death sentence.

With the theme to Supeman (no, really) booming around the tin can PA the players wandered out on to the hallowed Bob Lucas Stadium turf. The pitch not exactly having the precise chequered design of Wembley on a sunny Saturday in May but a stripey design that suggested Charlie Sheen had taken the ride on mower for a joy ride.

Weymouth FC. Long been a circus, but now also doubling up as a Caravan Park.

The tone for the eventful match was set after only five minutes when the ref gave a penalty for a foul on Smith. Warren 'Wozza' Byerley gave the ball a good hoofing and sadly Hednesford keeper Danny Crane gave it a good saving. This initial drama served to rouse the fans, the Weyline ("supporting local football for local people". Again, no really) stand was in full disgruntled voice at the subsequent booking of Byerley, for a tackle on the keeper, and the fans behind the goal continued to urge the team on as they competed well with 4th placed Hednesford.

Woz not Woz

Shake your head.

Both teams had chances before Hednesford took the lead after 39 minutes, from a miscued defensive header. Unlike a lot of times this season, see para 2, Weymouth's heads didn't drop and we were only denied an equaliser from a goal line clearance and then another great save from that shitbox Crane, a save that drew a handshake from Weymouth captain Fowler. As the resulting corner came across there was real expectancy amongst us of a goal.

There was. To Hednesford. A rapid counter attack against an exposed defence and it was game over.

But no, this is a different Weymouth and we scored on the *cliche alert* stroke of half time. It was a special goal, a great finish by Byerley after Fowler had skillfully volleyed the ball off the nut sacks of a Hednesford defender, from point blank, into Byerleys path and who tucked it away nicely which meant that we, like the defenders testicles, were now one down.

At half time the team were rightly cheered off and I used the interval to partake in a Amanda Rolls buffet defying chicken and mushroom pie. Little did I know that this pie was to be the hottest item of food ingested by a human since Alan Patridge bit into a Bramley apple slice in a BP Petrol Station and a jet of molten chicken and mushroom lava scorched through me, stopping long enough to tear the skin from the roof of my mouth and incinerate my tongue.

How long did you put this in for Lynne? It's hotter than the sun!

In the twenty minutes it took me to fire the chicken and magma pie down me Hednesford should have scored a couple more and were also denied a penalty. After 70 minutes ,and with blisters forming on the top of my mouth, Jamie Beesley picked up the ball on our left. Beesley has a unique, running style, he scuffs along the ground, looking like he's straining to keep a particularly viscous turd. Somehow it seems to work and with the giddy abandon of an Andrex puppy he weaved his way through the Hednesford defence (thankfully with the ball) and slammed a shot into the roof of the net from an angle so acute that it left the guy behind me repeating "he was on the goal line" for thirty seconds after the ball rocketed into the top of the net. Pandemonium on the BLS terraces! I punched the air manically, jumped a bit and shouted "get in" (which, unfortunately, came out as "hetttt in" due to my pie injuries). Are you watching bus of European football fans?!! Subsequent calculations using a jewellers eye piece, GPS technology and the official AiT protractor from my Walkers Crisps pencil case marked this goal down as being scored from an improbable angle of 4 degrees. If only my pie was nearer this temperature. *sighs*

This is local football for local people.

It was clear the game had more goals in it, there was going to be a winner. Like the chicken sauce from my pie the game flowed relentlessly. Hednesford should have scored. Crane made a blinding save. And another. We hit the bar. They hit the bar. We had a shot cleared off the line. Crane saved another.

They scored.


With 87 minutes gone, my tongue redder Mark Boulton's mullet and the roof of my mouth rougher than a two footed Barry Blankley tackle, James Nortei decided to support my initial analysis that he was "dodgier than the band Dodgy eating a multipack of Jamie Dodgers on the Dodgems" and managed to slam a clearance straight into a lurking Hednesford striker, the ball broke and Nick Wellecomme had the easy task of whacking it in. Weymouth players sunk down on their white booted heels and the drama and excitement of the game evaporated. That was it. Another mistake had cost of massively and the sublime cock pass of the Hednesford defender and Beesley's physics defying goal were in vain.

Another goal by Hednesford just before the end was greeted with the sound of a forlorn air horn from a deflated Weymouth fan and a move to the exits by many more, with a few stopping to congratulate Crane on his performance at the final whistle.

This was a great performance from Weymouth today. A performance to be proud of, but it came down to the difference in keepers today. Hednesford's was superb and ours.....better luck next time.

Now, someone pass me the Bonjela.

Up the Terras!


  1. Yet another great report...showing the pain of football and the pain of pie eating. Remember children.....chicken and lava pies WILL ruin your health. Hope your mouth gets better soon lava-boy.

  2. The description of Beasley's running style is priceless...if ever a guy looked less like a footballer or an athlete...but it worked again on Saturday!