Thursday, 17 June 2010

Why I'm still sick of the World Cup.

There really is no end to 'the man' trying to sell us stuff by making some sort of football reference to their product. I'm slowly starting to think that I could life my life for the duration of the tournament eating only Peter Crouch branded snacks, using only Peter Crouch endorsed products in the bathroom and Peter Crouch endorsed tat for every other function of my life.

Still, it looks more and more certain that there will be an end to this nightmare soon when the inevitable dismal exit from the tournament arrives.

For more quality merchandise clicky here.

Man, I'd love to punch that smug kid right in the gurning facepainted chops.

I think this advert has enraged me more than any of the other crap I've seen so far. It's for cat food. CAT FOOD. Honestly. 8 out of ten cats thought their owner was a fucking moron if they bought Felix because it ripped off the 3 Lions logo.

"Peperami. It's a bit of an animal". Yep, a pig's dick.

What better way to get rid of the god awful taste of a Peperami than by chugging down some limited edition red and white 'Tic Tacs'.

And now it's time to look at your submissions, in the gallery.

Duncan Gardner, age 32 from Stapleton, Bristol sent in this piece of FA branded nonsense.

Duncan Gardner, age 32.

And finally.....

Look, I could lie and say this relates to Danny Shittu and try and crowbar in some World Cup link but that would just be insulting your intelligence. It is what it is. It is the word 'shit'. Swear words are funny.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Belgian Press - "All Africans believe Blatter is a massive ballsack"

Whilst in Brussels last week I had time to kill and flicked through the Sport section of a Dutch language newspaper and drifted off into a beautiful dream.

In this dream I was a Belgian version of Football Italia era James Richardson and sat outside one of the many cafes in the magnificent Grand Place in Brussels. In front of me a decadently topped Belgian waffle, some of the freshest Moules Frites known to Poirot, a large frosty Kwak and a stack of Belgian newspapers. I flick masterfully between Dutch and French and translate numerous headlines about the transfer rumours surrounding around Michel Preud'Homme, the fitness battles of Enzo Scifo and a bizarre incident involving Jan Ceulemans, a toboggan and a mule for the enthralled audience watching at home, before hilariously introducing a feature on Philippe Albert's passion for thimbles. Sadly, like the list of famous Belgians, the dream ended suddenly.

But no, maybe not, the dream isn't over and I can read Dutch and that's why I can confidently translate this article as 'All Africans believe Blatter is a massive ballsack'.

Saturday, 5 June 2010

Why I'm sick of the World Cup already.

The World Cup, great, yeah footie, ING-ER-LAND. Isn't Heskey shit? Can Lampard and Gerrard really play together? Wasn't Theo unlucky? Suddenly everyone is a football fan, everyones got an opinion and advertisers have decided the way to get us brain washed football zombies to part with our cash is by sticking a St Georges cross on their product. We're all that stupid we'll buy it, no matter what it is.

"I don't need a new toaster but this one is the official FIFA toaster of the World Cup and burns a picture of Jamie Carraghers face onto my white Hovis loaf, I'll take two. ING-ER-LAND!!! Rooney, Rooney, Rooney!!"

I hate the World Cup already.

So this blog is going to try and keep track of all the shite on offer and look at just what businesses are trying to flog on the back of the World Cup. If you see anything else, or just want to call me a miserable bastard, let me know by leaving me one of them comments or send me an internet letter at leggkenny [at]

Need new oil for your car. No? We'll what about if we tempted you with a sweat shop produced, itchy as a virulent STD, shite looking T-Shirt? It's got the number 66 on the back....? You know what happened in '66 don't you football fan? 4 bottles? Good man, you know it makes sense.

This bottle's gold......The World Cup is gold.....stick 3 packs in the trolley! ING-ER-LAND!!

Normally I'd rather drink my own boiled urine through a straw made of barbed wire and stinging nettles than drink Budweiser, but when I saw that this bottle looks (according to the sign anyway) like a trophy I have now decided not to drink anything else for the duration of the World Cup and probably for the rest of my life.

I hate popcorn, it tastes disgusting and reminds me of people who can't afford to buy proper pick and mix, but this has the flags of the nations competing in the World Cup. I bet it tastes mega.

Huh, it says ENG-GER-LAND!! That's like what I sings when I'm watching ENG-GER-LAND on the tele. No way, they've also called it Pringoooals. MegaLOLZ!!

Huh Pringoooals! WOW! It's got Peter Crouch's signature on it. That must have taken the lankyarse ages to sign all these boxes. Stick 'em in the trolley Ma!

The budget Peter Crouch, Pom Bear. POM SODDIN BEAR. Is there no end to this World Cup bandwagon jumping? And "100 places at the Pom-Bear Football Academy to be won". The Pom Bear Football Academy?? Really? Yep, apparently so and Graeme Le Saux has taken the Pom-Bear shilling.

Once I've eaten my Peter Crouch endorsed Pringles there's nothing more I like than to clean my teeth with my Peter Crouch endorsed Oral B Electric Toothbrush. Seems the only thing Peter likes more than a fat signing on fee is the sponsors coin. Still, if he can fire prize giving footballs from his nostrils I guess he's worth it.

England fan, you must drink Frank Lampard endorsed soft drinks. Isn't this the same Frank Lampard who promoted kids living a healthier lifestyle? Must be some mistake.

Almost as rancid as Budweiser but if Fabio drinks it it must be good. Shove 3 crates in the trolley.

You should really be wearing the replica England shirt for the duration of the World Cup, otherwise you're not a real fan. Luckily one of Lord Triesman's final acts in office was to agree with Lord Asda that any England fan will be spared national ridicule if they wear clothes by 'George' at Asda instead. Asda 'Love The Game', you England fan 'Love The Game' - a perfect match. Phew.

When you're an acne ridden 14 there's no better way to tell that girl you sit next to in science lessons that you like her than buying her a mass produced Teddy Bear with some soppy as shit generic message on it. Well, what if it worked, she's round yours and you want to watch the football and she doesn't? Nightmare. The only way to appease her, yep. England football Teddy Bear. Back of the net!

Well, I was thinking of growing a beard in memory of 1994 Bulgarian legend Trifan Ivanov but it's not every day you get to shave with a razor that is 'Limited Edition' and also promises 'Football Fun'. Not one stray hair shall cross my chin for the duration of the tournament.

Can't afford a trip to South Africa and to purchase your own Vuvuzela, why not buy this and get your own 'Free Cheering Horn' instead and re-create the atmosphere of a, soon to be underused, South African stadium at home. So what if you've just bought the limited edition razor this is a Supporters Pack, you are a supporter aren't you? You really should buy it...if you don't your not a real supporter and that's a scientific fact.

England have just squeaked past Algeria on goal difference to qualify in second place in the group, what better way to celebrate. Yep, buy yourself a house. Can't afford a deposit? Just take another look at the window, look at those tiny England flags - go on, saddle yourself to a lifetime of debt - Do it for ING-GER-LAND, Peter Crouch would want you to. .