Cheap flights. Can't complain.
I fucking can and I will. Ryanair, shit me – what a load of arse. From the minute I step on board I am trapped in a surcharged fuelled nightmare of adverts and banality. It's early in the morning, just leave me alone and shut the crap up.
Oh, a song. Yeah, every airline needs it's own song. How the hell did these things fly without some ear grating Europop disco DJ Otzi Scooter medley extolling the virtues of the airline? "Ryanair, Ryanair, we're gonna take you there" – Yes, I know you are now turn this ear rape off and lets get going shall we?
The safety announcements are a dispensed with much hilarity amongst the NME Topman sponsored grease bags that are entrusted with out safety if this Eurodisco falls out of the sky.
Once airborn then the real fun begins. They've got you know, they've got you and they're going to ramp up the misery and turn this flight into a 45 minute advert break, styled on these seen really cheap satellite channels. Various tannoy announcements are made by an obese air steward, whom the unscrupulous bastards at Ryanair have no doubt charged an extra £9.95 to get his excess guttage on this flight, offering me all sorts of tat I have no interest in. I'm offered the latest Britney Spears perfume, other than seeing it as a potential rapid route out of this misery I really have no need for the scent of the drug addled absent Mother. Maybe I'd like a bus ticket to town, a bargain at 12 Euro. Not really a bargain is it when there is one that takes the same route and costs 2 Euro.
Car Rental Sir? Cock off. Or maybe I'd like a scratchcard, there's a 1 in 10 chance of winning apparently – is there bollox. Oh, but it's for charity….of course. Not one of the good charities I imagine, one of the Living TV ones that try and get you to sponsor a sexually confused geriatric weasel. Drink or snack? A snack? It's about 6:30 in the morning, I can't even eat breakfast yet so I'll pass on a bag of Space Raiders and a Heineken thanks tubby. This bombardment of adverts could only been made worse if the plane was hijacked by an indiscriminate team of charity muggers, who would blow the plane out of the sky if we all didn't succumb to their always so cheerful demands to take our headphones out and sponsor some Ryanair endorsed Colour Blind Donkey Retirement Home or other bullshit.
4 times I get asked during the flight if I have any rubbish by Tubby and his posse. What do they think I've been doing in the 45minutes I've been sat motionless here that has warranted asking me 4 times if I have any rubbish. Maybe next time I'll check in a bag of festering rubbish, (yes, I packed it myself, no, no one has tampered with it) and let them have that. And not in one easy go either, I'd make sure they got it in the 4 instalments they requested. A dirty protest indeed.
Ah, the 'Priority Boarding Scheme', another way to ring some more cash out of the air traveller. Now, I'm almost in favour of this one. The queue for the return flight for priority boarding is actually longer than the one for those of us who decide to avoid this scam. This charge takes money off the people that stand by the check in desk 45 minutes before it opens. These are the same buffoons that stand up as soon as the plane arrives at the arrivals gate and reach for their belongings from the overhead lockers, obviously any cheap holiday tat they have purchased will magically disappear from the overhead lockers if not removed within 37 seconds of a plane coming to a halt deeming this act essential. These dimlows then refuse to sit back down; instead prefer to remain hunchbacked under the lockers as sitting down would just be a restriction of their ability to be a twat. Sod them. Ryanair should take them for all the money they can. How about a 'Priorty Standing Up' surcharge? How much time is not sitting down going to save you? There is the misery of the bus to the terminal, passport control, being asked for rubbish and baggage to go through.
Sod off Ryanair.