Thursday 11 October 2012

Borussia Monchengladbach v Eintracht Frankfurt

Borussia hit the Keynotes.

Borussia Monchengladbach 2-0 Eintracht Frankfurt
Stadion im Borussia-Park
Sunday 7 October 2012
Attendance: 51,193

It’s a long old bus journey from the centre of Monchengladbach to the out of town Borussia Park stadium. Almost to a man the Borussia’s fans embark swiftly from the bus, wearing multiple scarves and agonised looks, sprint into the woods around the ground and emerge casually shortly afterwards happily pulling their flies up with one hand and merrily chugging back some warm beer with the other. After navigating the urine drenched woodland they then have to break through the never ending procession of police horses circling the ground before they can access more cold beers at the stadium.

Before I start lets just take a quick look round this bonkers barmy chap. Drum covered in stickers - tick. Ripped T Shirt exposing possible old Liverpool shirt - tick.

Borussia Monchengladbach trousers - Tick. Coat covered in patches with massive Borussia logo - Tick.

Stuffed foal toy on shoulder - Tick. Protruding beer gut - Tick.

The Borussia fans haven’t had much to cheer so far this season. The star players from last season, Marco Reus, Roman Neustädter and Dante, have left, they’ve been turfed out of the Champions League by Dynamo Kiev, they lost at home to Fenerbache in the Europa League on Thursday and have no wins in the last five games. Today’s guests are Eintracht Frankfurt, who were promoted from the 2. Liga last season, are currently 2nd in the table and have won five of their first six games. *gulp*

"Excuse me mate, have you seen the guy with the Borussia Monchengladbach trousers on? Which way....that way, ok cheers!"

The main bulk of the Borussia fans stand on the NordKurve. For 14.50Euros, including your TFH (train fare home) that where I’m heading. As expected the home end contains a tremendous array of Kutte jackets (not MSV Duisburg good though), but sadly a disappointingly low number of mullets, a ridiculously high number of Liverpool scarves, a painting of the Liverpool club crest in green, a waxwork model of Djimi Trarore and a Candy washing machine with a waterlogged Glenn Hysen on a spin cycle trapped inside it. One, ok two, of those things are made up. They do like Liverpool though. A lot.

Backs up what I said above. Not pictured: Glenn Hysen in a washing machine.

Aston Villa? Really?

“NordKurve, bist du bereit? (North stand are you ready?)”, “jaaaaa”....”Ostkurve, bist du bereit”...and so on, around the ground. The PA announcer tries his best to artificially increase the atmosphere, but with about 30 massive flags being waved around, 3 drummers and a booming speaker system rigged up to a man with a megaphone he’s not really needed here. Favourite flag of the day? “Project Chaos”. That’s one project that doesn’t need a mission statement to make its intentions clear. It’s all very self explanatory and for that we should be thankful.

At this point the Borussia fans were flagging a bit. 

At kick off the sun is low and the conditions as hazy as a student nurses memory the morning after the Freshers Ball. The atmosphere is muted, the Borussia fans are nervous. The Eintracht fans are initially louder and when the Borussia fans do get going Eintracht fans give it the classic “Hurrah, hurrah, das ganzes Dorf is da! (Hurrah, hurrah, the whole village is there”). A particular favourite of mine.

Christ on a tepee. What were you thinking?

Jackets sponsored by Moe's Tavern from the fictional TV show The Simpsons I can go for but Indian headresses....*shakes headdress disapprovingly*

After a quiet first 8 minutes the NordKurve attempt to wake up the slumbering SüdKurve with some classic call and response chanting. A particular favourite of mine.

NordKurve: VFL!!!

SüdKurve: (a lot quieter) VFL!!

NordKurve: VFL!!

Eintracht fans: Hure VFL!! (VFL whores)

(at the same time and now almost inaudible)

SüedKurve: VFL!!

NordKurve: VFL!!

Eintracht fans: Hure VFL!!

Meanwhile on the pitch Venezuelan midfield maestro Juan Arango has picked up the ball 35 yards out and walloped the ball in off the cross bar. The chanting immediately stops and there is a stunned silence all around the crowd. A silence then merrily broken by the Borussia fans singing their own goal celebration ditty. For those of you wanting to sing along at home I have prepared some visuals in the style of late 80’s – early 90’s post TV-AM music quiz show Keynotes for you to sing along to.

15 minutes later big summer signing Luuk (two u's) de Jong kappoww’s the ball in to make it two nil. The goal is announced over the tannoy; I say announced the fans have to do most of the work as the PA announcer starts to take liberties.
PA “Announcer”: Torschutzer LUUK!! (Goalscorer Luuk...)

Crowd: DE JONG!

PA “Announcer”: Neue Spielstand Borussia... (new scoreline Borussia..)

Crowd: Zwei!!

PA “Announcer”: Eintracht..

Crowd: Null!!

PA “Announcer”: Was sagen wir? (What do we say?)

Crowd: Danke Luuk!!

Luuk de Jong celebrates his goal by taking off his backpack and using his extra long arms to try and flick an aeroplane out of the sky.

Yep, the crowd thanks there multi million Euro striker for doing his job. I ache for the day someone comes into my workplace, bellows “What do we say?” and the whole offices stands as one and replies “Danke Kenny!” and waves scarves with my face on as I push my trolley round the office dishing out mid afternoon teas. I also desperately long for the day when some else finishes off my sentences because I

Token match shot.

Then the Borussia fans get nervous. The team barely get out of their half for the rest of the match. 60 long anxiety (and beer) filled minutes. Eintracht keep attacking, it’s the only thing they’re focused on. You could say they have an ein track mind. Hey! Hey? No. Oh ok. The superbly named Canadian international Olivier Occean (two c's) volleys the ball just over, we causes a nervous Borussia fan behind me to react thus: 


It finishes 2-0, Eintracht run out of ideas and in the end it’s a bit of a Sunday afternoon stroll for Borussia. Thankfully one that avoids the woods.

Was sagen wir?


  1. I guess their obsession with Liverpool comes from meeting them and being defeated by them in numerous European Finals and semi finals back in the 70's.

  2. Tristan Browning11 October 2012 at 14:23

    What is it with German footy fans and urine-infused local woodland? It is the same on the walk from Kopenick train station to Union Berlin, and that walk only takes about 3 minutes!

  3. Wilgy - I think you're on to something there.

    Simon - That's all I ask for. It's not too much to ask is it. Bitte!

    Tristan - I think if you sniff a few trees around there you'll soon pick up the AiT scent. Should you be in to that sort of thing.