Monday 9 July 2012

VfR 06 Neuss v Rot Weiss Oberhausen U23

Neuss Neuss Baby

VfR 06 Neuss 0-9 Rot Weiss Oberhausen U23
Saturday 7th July 2012
Pre Season Friendly
Stadion an der Hammer Landstrasse
Attendance: 50 (ish)

Every player of the Oberliga West side Rot Weiss Oberhausen U23 team is, confusingly, aged under 20. 



None of this side was born before 1993. None of these guys were walking the earth when Britain erupted in scenes of jubilation as Jimmy Nail reached number one with “Ain't No Doubt" and an attempt to hold a discussion recalling the unbridled excitement of those early summer evenings as we all went out joyriding in our Global Hypercolour shirts would draw blank spotty faces. Modern football hey. 

I'm not gonna lie, I did a little jig when I saw this sign.

RWO U23 will kick off their Oberliga West season in just under a months time at the 34,500 capacity Grotenberg Stadium, home of KFC Uerdingen 05. Six years before most of these herberts were even born Uerdingen were playing Atletico Madrid in the semi finals of the European Cup Winners Cup. These kids have probably never heard of the Cup Winners Cup. 

Of course a crying fridge wearing a scarf and with a thermometer in it's mouth. Of course. 

"Tradition never dies" But sponsors can apparently.

No, that's not a pennant from Ton Erers. It's actually from your Bolton Wanderers. And that appears to be my "Clubman of the Year" trophy from Weymouth Eagles Under 12's. Mother! Check the Tinpot Trophy cabinet.
Increasing the age of the squad and staff is the new RWO goalkeeping coach, the superbly named, Dirk Langerbein. In English this (might) translate as Dirk Longerleg; or, as his kids call him, Daddy Longerleg. (Sorry)
How, how did Neuss play Zanzibar. Of course Zanzibar is now called Bombay, which itself used to be called Rhodesia.

Kreisliga A’s VfR Neuss meanwhile are lucky to be starting the season at all. For the last twenty years the club appears to be in a state of never ending turmoil culminating in an insolvency in 2010, a break away club formed by a former director and a dismal season last year that saw them end super bottom of Kreisliga A, with a goal difference on minus 101 (one hundred and one). They should also be worried that their pitch seems to be a sprinkling of grass mixed in with a field of daisies and dandelions. 

Filthy, give it a wipe.

Token match shot.
In a bid to cut down on last year's terrible goals conceded total Neuss seem to have a new tactic. Fill as much of the goal with a roley poley goalie. A tactic that they might have got away with if it wasn’t for those pesky kids from Oberhausen. *shakes angry fist* They’re three nil down after half an hour and, if the idle yoof keeper from RWO had applied himself he could have been sporting a rather fetching daisy chain by this point. Neuss’s keeper, who I will heartlessly call Dirk Faterkeeper, gets no rest. If he’s not flopping his stomach forward whilst scooping a ball out of the net he is forced to fetch every single shot that goes wide and into the vast, dusty, desolate open spaces behind him. 

 Small. Far away.

A similar scenario use to play out all the time when we use to play football as energetic yoofs, high on a cocktail of Mr. Freeze ice lollies and Happy Shopper cola, down The Marsh in Weymouth. During seemingly never ending games of “Nods and Vods” or “Wembley Cup Doubles” shots were consistently shanked well wide of our shell-suits for goal posts set up. Now, Herr Faterkeeper may I suggest you might like to invoke the rule that Micheal Bennett used to deal with misplaced shots? That rule being the “Get Your Own Shit” rule. Let the strikers get the ball. They missed it. They’re younger than you and we wouldn’t have to watch you, an already exasperated man, waddle to fetch a ball every 47 seconds. Just a thought. Dirk never made it out for the second half.

 "The patient lives! Those who are told they are going to die live longer" says the mural at perennially financially stricken Neuss. Underneath the mural is a cash box with the key left in it.

RWO manage to redeem themselves for having a squad consisting of foetuses by employing 78 year old, Werner Koeppen as manager. Not only is Werner old enough to remember Jimmy Nail pre his successful singing career he’s also a man dressed in a full Hummel tracksuit. We're big fans of Hummel kits here at AiT. Who said “Denmark 1986”? Hang a....moment.

If you were to get bored you could always read Franz Beckenbauer's book on the 1974 World Cup. Looking at the cover this one appears to be have been signed by Rranz Jeckenbauer.

Werner’s decided to watch the match from the high vantage point offered by the clubhouse bar. When I’m 78 I want to be wearing a full Hummel tracksuit and hanging round on German football clubhouse roofs. Werner doesn’t stop talking, his passion amazing. He takes supreme pride in telling us how young this squad are, puffs his chest out at the fact the squad are primarily local (even pulling out a list of their home phone numbers and addresses should we want to phone their Mum's), looks starey eyed as he informs us who could make a career in the game and takes great delight in repeating the phrase “das ist falsch....das ist falsch” (that’s wrong...that’s wrong) to bemoan every little perceived error in the RWO play. He’s almost 80, the time for issuing compliments has passed for him now. Good one you Werner. *doffs Hummel cap*

Token match shot II.

Werner’s criticism did seem a little harsh as RWO rattled in another 6 (six) goals, without reply. If Werner would let me have one criticism it’d be that the bone idle RWO infant keeper failed to use his time wisely and didn’t strut off that pitch sporting several complex daisy chains, a daisy medallion and a daisy neckerchief making him look like a budget Mr. T tribute act.

Werner you're my hero!

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