Bitton by the tailfly

Bitton v Old Woodstock Town
Saturday 11 September 2010
FA Cup 2nd Preliminary Round
Bath Road, Bitton
Attendance: 85 (ish)

Sometimes non league football can be cruel, the non entity of the recent Weston Super Mare v Basingstoke game being an ideal case study to support my hypothesis. Games like Bitton v Old Woodstock Town restore the lustre for football and save this blog from being abandoned long before it's first anniversary.

England flags. Soooo June 2010.

If ever I needed to convince someone of the merits of watching two teams you've never heard of, in a part of town you wouldn't normally visit, on a sunny late summers day when you should be doing something else this was it. Why I might find myself in such a predicament I'm not entirely sure though. However, dear reader, you might. To aid you in the quest to convince someone to convert to watching a bit of non league team there are a number of criteria that need to be judged. A number of criteria that Bitton v Old Woodstock Town provided, and excelled at, and are shown below:

Clubhouse facilities.
Exceptional. Massive trophies of bizarre tournaments. Pickled eggs. Peanuts on a piece of card with a scantily clad filly slowly exposing a cheeky nipple behind. Cheap beer, £2.70 a pint-bargain. Very busy, Sky Sports News and at the heart of the community.

Harsh but fair.

Food
Present, a clear plus point over Portishead. Very good. Cheap. Wide selection of maize based snacks, chips, pies etc and cheese baps (red onion optional, at no extra cost)

Presence of Bristol Soccer World Certificate for Team of the Week.
Present and correct. Bizarrely marking Bitton Girls Under 12 teams achievements. Obviously a slow week in local football.

Well deserved, well played ladies.

Slightly insane local support.
Statler and Waldorf were in for this one providing comedy and anguish to those sat around them in equal measure. Every misplaced pass greeted with cries of "rubbish" and shouts of "get right up with their 'arris" banded about with depressingly comic regularity. If anyone knows what "go on me bans" means then I'd be pleased to receive the translation from Bristolian. They go on to engage in cheerful banter with the Woodstockians (?) present.

Standard of football.
Stunningly good, by far the best game I have seen since this shambles was started earlier this year with both teams playing flowing passing football and playing for the win at all times.

Chequered goal nets? Chequered goal nets!! Pass the oxygen...

Eccentric refeering.
Generally you can watch most tinpottery without seeing a booking or a sending off. Oh, you'll see plenty of juicy, "committed" tackle that would make Nigel De Jong wince but presumably at this level the refs just can't be arsed to fill out the paperwork for each booking. Today's referee is included in this list, with his preferred method of officiating being barking orders at players, including the classic "Don't you dare foul".

Cost.
Pound 4 (four). £0.80 a goal, with Old Woodstock getting the 3-2 win.

Give it a go. Or don't. Or you probably already have if you're reading this.