God! Show me the magic (of the FA Cup)

Brighton & Hove Albion v Wrexham
Saturday 7th January 2012
FA Cup Third Round
American Express Community Stadium, Brighton
Attendance 18,573

Here at AiT we' would like to welcome our S4C viewing welsh language viewers and therefore this blog nonsense is available in (google translate) Welsh by pressing the red button.

The tragic of the FA Cup.

As if you didn't know in 1991 Mickey Thomas conjured up the magic of the FA Cup when he scored a superb goal as little Wrexham beat big old Arsenal. This is the magic of the FA Cup, it's special. Gus Poyet wrote about it in his programme notes and every Wrexham fans turning up at Brighton dreamt of it the night before. In reality summoning up the magic of the FA Cup is about as likely as seeing Jimmy Krankie knock out Paul Daniels. What? Oh.

**dream sequence**

Horrific vision of Graham Kelly dressed as a Wizard but still maintaining that pained gaze of an septuagenarian straining to hold in a fart.*

"and Bert Millichip, please could you pull out the last home team from the Magic of the FA Cup top hat

Bert has pulled out a large rabbit carrying the Jack of Spades, who represent 'Hackney Marshes FC'. The Great Soprendo if you could be so kind to pull the last team from the hat.

*a flustered Great Soprendo removes a never ending string of coloured hankies tied together*

The plucky minnows of Hackney Marshes FC, who defeated Northwich Victoria to reach this stage, will play a home tie against Kenny Dalglish's Liverpool, containing new signing Jimmy Carter. That concludes the draw for the 3rd round of the FA Cup. It's back to Bob Wilson (anchorman) in the studio where Grotbags will make Sutton United hero Matt Hanlan disappear and Ronnie Radford will be sawn in half by Sooty in this extra special edition of 'The Magic of the FA Cup'"

***dream sequence ends***

When ze big man walks past ze seagulls, it is because he thinks there will be beer and pies.

"La, La, La, La, La, La La, La, La, La.....Brighton". *shakes head*

"Put your hands up, Put your hands up, Put your hands up for Brighton" *holds head in hands*

Oh dear. What's wrong with a bit of 'Ready To Go' by Republic pre kick off. Mmm, Saffron. One Brighton fan waves his tinfoil FA Cup and becomes an instant hero for me, the rest of the Brighton fans sit down quietly in the padded seats as the Wrexham fans stand up and bellow out "We love you Wrexham" at kick off.

We dream the same thing
We want the same thing ...ooh...
And all that we need is to
See it together

At the AmEx Stadium you are never more than 4.2metres from somewhere selling pies and pints. This isn't true but it is scientific fact. If you can't get to the refreshment stand a beer pump on wheels or an attractive women selling pies from a magical bag will come to you. It's genius. This means the every thirsty punter gets his to down his '15 minute challenge' pint of Harveys well in time to follow Gus Poyet's the order on the TV screens to get back to our seats. Which is exactly what we didn't do. If anyone wants to describe Jack Forster Caskey's opening goal to me don't bother, I've got Youtube, I've seen it now. Thanks anyway though, I'll obey Gus next time. mmmm pie.

"Yeah, alright Gus. We'll be there in a minute. We're just finishing our beers alrig......what? 1-0? Who scored?

mmmm seagull pie.

14 minutes later Adrian Cieslewisz uses the magic words "long jinking run culminating in a shot slammed into the net" to send the Wrexham fans bonkers barmy. Now, if I was to invoke an AiT version of the magic of the FA Cup I would say it contained a ramshackle pitch invasion. The Wrexham fans duly obliged. *doff's comedy red wig* The scene gets better as a, suddenly startled, Wrexham fan realises he is shambling round the penalty area on his own and he's now got to outwit the illuminous hulk of a steward bearing down on him. A shimmy here, a drunken stagger, a crazed charge. A textbook headlock and grapple to the floor. A victory for the steward that means this lad doesn't see any more of the game, but he did give over 18,000 people a jolly good actual LOL and that's what's important in this story.

Token match shot.

An inflatable sheep bounces around the Wrexham fans their team look more likely to get the goal needed to fully unleash the super powers of the magic of the FA Cup. No matter how many "izzy wizzy lets gets busy" or "piff paff poofs" the full magic of the FA Cup isn't quite forthcoming today. A one all away draw to a team over 50 places above you in the league isn't bad though and Brighton fans acknowledge this by sportingly clapping the Wrexham players off.

Your actual Modern Toss there.

Local beers for local people.

The great relationship between the fans continues after the game as both sets of fans gather in the West Stand concourse to talk about the game, guzzle more pints and scoff more pies. mmmm pies. The scene continues in Dick's Bar, a superb bar selling both Salt & Shake and beef Monster Munch potato and/or maize based snack fans. Wrexham fans sup celebratory pints of their local Brains ale and mix with Brighton fans quaffing congratulatory Harveys well into the evening and this, happy ending fans (not that sort), is a scene that shows the magic of being a football fan. *wipes tear from eye*

Please note inclusion of full moon for perceived artistic shot.

Now - if you actually want to read about the match don't read The Ball Is Round or The Real FA Cup events, head straight to the Two Hundred Percent account of the day. He wasn't (quite) as roaring drunk as us lot.

Duw! Dangoswch i mi y hud (y Cwpan yr FA)

Brighton & Hove Albion v Wrecsam
Dydd Sadwrn 7 Ionawr, 2012
Cwpan yr FA Rownd Trydydd
American Express Stadiwm Cymunedol, Brighton
Presenoldeb 18,573

Yma yn AIT byddem 'tebyg i groesawu ein gwylwyr gwylio S4C iaith Gymraeg ac felly mae hyn lol blog ar gael yn Saesneg trwy wasgu'r botwm coch.

Mae trasig Cwpan yr FA.

Fel pe nad oeddech yn gwybod yn 1991 conjured Mickey Thomas, hyd y hud Cwpan yr FA pan sgoriodd gôl ardderchog gan guro Arsenal Wrecsam ychydig o hen mawr. Mae hyn yn hud Cwpan yr FA, mae'n arbennig. Ysgrifennodd Gus Poyet am y peth yn ei nodiadau rhaglen a phob gefnogwyr Wrecsam yn troi i fyny ar Brighton breuddwydio am fod y noson gynt. Mewn gwirionedd, galw i fyny y hud Cwpan yr FA yn ymwneud yn fwy tebygol na gweld Jimmy Krankie guro allan Paul Daniels. Beth? Oh.

**Dilyniant breuddwyd **

Gweledigaeth erchyll o Graham Kelly wedi gwisgo fel Dewin ond mae'n dal i gynnal y gaze pained o septuagenarian straenio i gynnal mewn fart .*

"A Bert Millichip, gallai os gwelwch yn dda i chi dynnu allan i'r tîm cartref olaf o'r Magic of ben Cwpan FA het

Bert wedi tynnu allan cwningen mawr yn cario'r Jack of Spades, sy'n cynrychioli 'Hacni Corsydd CC'. Mae'r Soprendo Fawr pe gallech fod mor garedig i dynnu y tîm diwethaf o'r het.

*Y Soprendo ddryslyd Fawr yn tynnu llinyn byth yn dod i ben o hancesi lliw clymu at ei gilydd*

Bydd y sildod plucky Hackney Corsydd Comisiwn Coedwigaeth, sydd drechu Northwich Victoria i gyrraedd y cam hwn, yn chwarae gêm gartref yn erbyn Kenny Dalglish yn Lerpwl, yn cynnwys arwyddion newydd Jimmy Carter. Dyna ddiwedd y raffl ar gyfer rownd 3ydd Cwpan yr FA. Mae'n ôl i Bob Wilson (anchorman) yn y stiwdio lle bydd Grotbags gwneud Sutton Unedig arwr Matt Hanlan yn diflannu a bydd yn cael ei Ronnie Radford wedi'i lifio yn ei hanner gan Sooty yn y rhifyn hwn arbennig ychwanegol o 'The Magic of Cwpan yr FA' "

***Dilyniant freuddwyd yn dod i ben *** ***

Pan fydd dyn yn Ze mawr gwylanod Ze teithiau cerdded yn y gorffennol, mae'n oherwydd ei fod yn credu y bydd cwrw a phasteiod.

"La, La, La, La, La, La La, La, La, La. .... Brighton". *Ysgwyd pen*

"Rhowch eich dwylo i fyny, Rhowch eich dwylo i fyny, Rhowch eich dwylo ar gyfer Brighton" * dal pen mewn dwylo *

O diar. Beth sydd o'i le gydag ychydig o 'Barod i Fynd' gan Weriniaeth cyn cychwyn. Mmm, Saffron. Un tonnau gefnogwr Brighton ei tinfoil Cwpan FA Lloegr a dod yn arwr i mi ar unwaith, weddill y cefnogwyr Brighton eistedd yn dawel yn y seddi padio wrth i'r cefnogwyr Wrecsam sefyll i fyny ac bellow allan "Rydym yn dy garu di Wrecsam" yn cychwyn.

Rydym yn freuddwyd yr un peth

Rydym am yr un peth ... www ...
Ac popeth yr ydym ei angen yw i
Gweler ei gilydd

Yn y Stadiwm Amex nad ydych yn fwy na 4.2metres o rywle werthu pasteiod a peint. Nid yw hyn yn wir, ond mae'n ffaith gwyddonol. Os nad ydych yn gallu cyrraedd y lluniaeth sefyll pwmp cwrw ar olwynion neu fenywod deniadol werthu pasteiod o fag hudol ddod atoch chi. Mae'n athrylith. Mae hyn yn golygu y Punter bob sychedig yn cipio ei i'w lawr peint ei '15 her munud 'o Harveys yn dda mewn pryd i ddilyn Gus Poyet yn y gorchymyn ar y sgriniau teledu i fynd yn ôl at ein seddi. Pa un yw union beth nad oeddem yn ei wneud. Os oes unrhyw un eisiau i ddisgrifio gôl agoriadol Jack Forster Caskey i mi peidiwch â thrafferthu, mae gen i Youtube, rwyf wedi ei weld yn awr. Diolch beth bynnag fodd bynnag, byddaf yn ufuddhau Gus y tro nesaf. MMMM pastai.

"Ie, Gus iawn. Byddwn ni yno mewn munud. Rydym yn unig gorffen ein cwrw alrig ...... beth? 1-0? Pwy sgoriodd?

MMMM wylan pastai.

14 munud yn ddiweddarach Adrian Cieslewisz yn defnyddio'r geiriau hud "hir yn rhedeg jinking gorffen gyda ergyd Condemniwyd i'r rhwyd" i anfon y cefnogwyr Wrecsam barmy boncyrs. Yn awr, os oeddwn i alw fersiwn AIT o hud y Cwpan yr FA byddwn yn dweud ei fod yn cynnwys cae ramshackle ymosodiad. Mae cefnogwyr Wrecsam yn ofynnol yn briodol. * Wig comedi doff yn goch * Mae'r olygfa yn gwella fel, dychryn yn sydyn, Wrecsam fan yn sylweddoli ei fod yn shambling amgylch y cwrt cosbi ar ei ben ei hun ac erbyn hyn mae'n rhaid i trechu'r Hulk illuminous o stiward yn dwyn i lawr arno. Mae shimmy yma, yn feddw ​​igam-ogamu, codi tâl gwallgof. Mae headlock gwerslyfr a ymgodymu i'r llawr. Nid yw buddugoliaeth ar gyfer y stiward mae hynny'n golygu y bachgen yn gweld mwy o'r gêm, ond oedd yn rhoi mwy na 18,000 o bobl y LOL gwirioneddol hwyliog da a dyna beth sy'n bwysig yn y stori.

Tocyn cyfateb saethu.

Mae defaid chwyddadwy adlamu o amgylch y cefnogwyr Wrecsam eu tîm yn edrych yn fwy tebygol o gael y nod sydd ei angen i ryddhau yn llawn y pwerau super o hud y Cwpan yr FA. Dim ots faint o "Izzy wizzy gadael yn cael brysur" neu "piff paff poofs" nid yw hud llawn y Cwpan yr FA yn eithaf sydd i ddod heddiw. Nid yw un-i gyd i ffwrdd yn tynnu at dîm dros 50 o leoedd yn uwch i chi yn y gynghrair yn wael er bod a chefnogwyr Brighton yn cydnabod hyn drwy glapio sportingly y chwaraewyr Wrecsam i ffwrdd.

Eich Modern gwirioneddol Toss yno.

Cwrw lleol ar gyfer pobl leol.

Mae'r berthynas mawr rhwng y cefnogwyr yn parhau ar ôl y gêm gan fod y ddau set o gefnogwyr ymgasglu yng nghyntedd Stondin Gorllewin i siarad am y gêm, guzzle peint mwy a mwy o scoff peis. pasteiod MMMM. Mae'r olygfa yn parhau yn Dick y Bar, bar gwych sy'n gwerthu ddau Halen a Ysgwydwch a Monster Munch eidion tatws a / neu gefnogwyr byrbryd yn seiliedig ar indrawn. Ddilynwyr Wrecsam yn dathlu cefnogaeth peint o gwrw eu Brains lleol a chymysgu gyda chefnogwyr Brighton quaffing Harveys longyfarch ymhell i'r nos, ac mae hyn, cefnogwyr diweddglo hapus (nid y math), yn olygfa sy'n dangos y hud o fod yn gefnogwr pêl-droed. * Cadachau dagrau o lygaid *

Nodwch cynnwys lleuad llawn ar gyfer saethu canfyddedig artistig.

Nawr - os ydych yn awyddus i ddarllen am y gêm yn darllen Y Ddawns A Rownd neu y digwyddiadau Cwpan yr FA Go Iawn, ewch yn syth i'r cyfrif Two Hundred Canran y dydd. Nid oedd ef (eithaf) yn rhuo meddw â ni lawer.

On the first day of christmas my tinpot sent to me Moneyfields versus Horndean FC.

Moneyfields v Horndean
Monday 26th December 2011
Sydenhams Football League (Wessex)
Moneyfields Sports Ground, Portsmouth
Attendance 111

On the walls of the Moneyfields Social club hung one solitary team scarf, no sign of teams of times gone by, no pennants from other clubs; nothing. Hanging in the clubhouse air was Poundland tinsel and the stale fog of a hundred Brussels sprout scented farts. I soon made it 102 and a half.

New iPad's were charged, kids on new scooters wizzed around, a players Mum showed of her new Cath Kidston bag while a ground hopper filed a couple of programmes in a freshly pressed bag.

Signs made of number plate letters is now possibly my favourite tinpot thing ever. EVER.

The early kick off had seemingly caught Moneyfields unprepared, goal nets are fixed to the ground just before kick off and corner flags are put in place as Horndean kick off, almost immediately misplacing a pass straight into touch.

More thrilling photography brought to you from Adventures in Tinpot.

Two minutes later Ho Ho Horndean get into the Christmas spirit and gift Moneyfields a goal, the Horndean manager responds with a "fucks sake". From here seemingly every act by a Horndean player is followed by an angry sweary swear, as every touch is mis-controlled, every pass mis-hit and every shot off target.

Token match shot.

Like receiving socks for Christmas for the 24th year in succession Horndean conceding a second is no surprise. Steve Hutchings scores a penalty it front of the massed rank of two fans, one furiously producing thick clouds of smoke from a pipe (a pipe – Yes! *punches air* When I'm older I'm going to smoke a pipe) and another old boy watching from a chair wedged in the clubhouse doorway. A clear fire hazard. Never block an escape route. Basic fire safety that.

What's wrong with 'Keep off the Grass'?

Dear Santa,

I've been a really good boy this year and I wondered if you and Rudolf the Red Nosed Groundhopper could bring me a special gift this year. Please could you bring me something really funny at Moneyfields FC, I don't know what but if you could leave a surprise there for me there I'd really appreciate it. I'd also really like some Bristol City roller blinds.

Kenny

P.S - I've left a match programme and a Bovril for you.

Oh, Santa thank you!! It's better than I could have ever imagined, I love it so much! Some seats from a bus stop in the Moneyfields dugout, I would never have even thought of it. I love it! Thanks Santa!! You're the best.

Somewhere in north Portsmouth confused commuters stand waiting for a bus.

Somewhere in north Portsmouth confused commuters stand in the rain waiting for a bus.

It's not the only thing that has mysteriously made it's way into the ground, a Pukka Pies sign advertises their non available wares, a newsagents sign promotes the next couple of games and dotted around the ground are 3 gold coloured bins advertising 'Coors' - not your new modern fangled fancy 'Coors Light', not even your Irish tin whistle toting pop combo The Coors, nope this is the Coors that sponsored Erland Johnsen era Chelsea.

Corrs blimey Guvnor.

The unprepared nature continues. Shortly after the refreshment hut runs out of, well everything it seems. Hot dog? No. Cup a soup? All gone I'm afraid. Chocolate bar? You should have brought your selection box. A kid is dispatched and his scooter to the Co-op to get some milk in an attempt to keep tea sales ticking over. Always have enough milk for teas. Basic catering skills that.

Empty boxes.

Easy on the milk there, that's got to last. Everyone, please welcome the left hand of Old Father Tinpot making it's AiT debut. A big hand for the hand please.

Not everyone at Moneyfields is a little disorganised. One woman walks along the terrace attempting to make people part with that manky £10 note Nan gave them in a Christmas card in exchange for one of her home made scarves in the yellow and blue of Moneyfields. Amazing stuff! A big doff on the home knitted slightly ill fitting AiT bobble hat to you. Identify a gap in the market and fill that gap. Basic business skills that.

Sod the Dukla Prague away kit, all I want for Christmas is a home made Moneyfields FC scarf.

Before half time it's three nil and, like a butterball Turkey on Christmas morning, Horndean are having Paxo firmly rammed up their anus being well and truly stuffed. Horndean go with the triple substitution which sees a kid come on with a hair cut that suggests he plays bass guitar in a locally popular but, nonetheless, hugely derivative indie band. He's not much good at football.

Pompey, rolling slightly irregularly and pulling slightly to the left.

The game drifts to a conclusion, the home support urging the ref to conclude the game “hurry up ref, the Eastenders omnibus starts at 2:45”, a subbed Horndean player leaves ten minutes before the end, presumably to go shopping with Darren Bent, and the game finishes with the ball being booted firmly into the trees surrounding the pitch.

Now...hold hands with the person to your right, and sing along with me!

On the first day of Christmas my tinpot sent to me
Twelve farters farting,
Eleven useless players,
Ten groundhoppers a hopping,
Nine ladies present,
Eight teas with no milk in,
Seven kids a scooting,
Six seats a stolen,
Five home made scarves,
Four part worn tyres,
Three Coors bins,
Two tinpot teams,
and a football lodged in a pine tree.

Stories from the City.

Bristol City v Middlesbrough
Saturday 3rd December 2011
The Championship
Ashton Gate, Bristol.
Attendance 14,467

Last Tuesday Bristol City announced losses of a mere £11,454,525 (eleven mill...a lot), taking total losses over 3 years to over £30m (thirty million). *

The loss was announced on the Tuesday and on Friday the club announced two vacancies; one for a Group Financial Controller and the other for a Financial Assistant. That afternoon half of the entire City staff endeavoured, unsuccessfully, to shut a barn door that had mysteriously opened, while the other half tried to locate a stallion that had been seen fleeing the scene in an agitated state.

***Warning – attempt to crowbar in fact coming up.***

The flats surrounding Ashton Gate were actually the ones used in Only Fools and Horses. In an attempt to get some money in quick City offered a reduction Del Boy would have been proud of. They're not asking the usual £30 for tickets, they're not asking for a score, who said £15 – put your money away love, it's only a tenner a ticket and now, because of their generosity, little Jon Stead is going hungry this Christmas.

How much for two tickets?

If that little money raising plan doesn't work City have a winner of an idea. Guinness copyright infringing T-Shirts celebrating new manager Derek McInnes' four wins in his first seven games. Win this game and there's every chance McInnes' face will be photoshopped into his own range of lawsuit inducing tracksuits, produced from a mush in Shepherds Bush.

This years fashion must have in BS3.

If short term novelty T-shirts haven't got you hastily re-writing your Christmas list then City have got just the item for you. Bristol City Roller Blinds. Amazing. Now, I know you've all got one burning questions here, can these roller blinds be fitted within the recess to work with my existing curtains? Good news, these Bristol City Roller Blinds can be “fitted within the recess to work with or without existing curtains”. What a Christmas this is going to be for the “dedicated Bristol City fan”.

This time next year we'll be millionaires, which is a shame because we are currently carrying total financial liabilities of some £30+ million, therefore £1m is only around 3% of our total current debt Rodney.

City aren't going to turn down the sponsorship shilling and there are a few signs signs for local businesses. The 'Boro fans (poor bastards) are situated behind a sign for The Three Lions pub, south Bristol's most unwelcoming pub for away fans, which was once frequented by Danny Dyer and also by a police horse which, undoubtedly, had more of an acting range.

Denzel brought in this shipment of Spartak Moscow gnomes this morning, stick a Bristol City logo on the shorts and go and flog em.

They are separated from the home fans by a bunch of City flags, from groups like Forza Eastend. At the other end of the terrace is an impressive mural including 'Ernie the Robin' and the words “when the moon shines”. Why “Ernie” and why “when the moon shines”? Wurzels lyrics of course.

Forza Eastend are admirably trying to create a decent atmosphere at the games. There's some decent photos here, some decent flags, some flares and Ernie graffited into a duck pond. “Try anything you aquatic mug and I'll get some proper nawty hoisin out, right?”. (Just joking eh lads, eh). They've also got some sort of manifesto, which includes “issuing advice for the correct purchase and consumption of our local apple based beverage.” *doffs commerative 30 years of The Wurzels hat*

Behind door 24 it's a set of Bristol City Roller blinds beautifully fitted within the recess to work with the existing curtains.

Shortly after kick off the only audible sounds of two old boy regulars behind me grumbling at those struggling to find their £10 seats. Middlesbrough keep possession, knock it round nicely and I'm sure it's all very pleasing on the eye, and how football should be played, but it's bloody boring. City get the ball occasionally and look for Albert “Alby” Adomah, a tricky winger who has been linked to West Brom, Fulham, Tytherington Rocks and Jossy's Giants. For Middlesbrough Nicky Bailey looked good, so good that even I noticed and hey, hands up I'll admit it, I'm no Zonal Marking.

Matching Santa hats. *shakes head*

Half time brings “the charge of the light brigade”, according to the old boys, as everyone piles out for Bovril. If I'd have known City we're going to play 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by pissing Toploader I'd have puffed out my chest, mounted my stead and led everyone ala Lord Cardigan in a recklessly brave attempt to storm the PA box and save us all from these offensive Jamie Oliver endorsed sack of taste the difference fuzzy haired shitbags.

There were also cheerleaders. They were called Vivacity.

Vivacity (noun) - characterized by high spirits and animation.

Also Viva City. Clever. Very clever.

The second half sees the locals get more animated as a perceived number of decisions go against them. It remains pretty dull. You know it's a bad game if even the local paper refers to the game as a “forgettable encounter” and the old boys behind me greet another mishit pass with “this ain't amateur football”. Oh sir, how I wish it was. I really do. £30 for this. No thanks.

Token match shot.

There was one bit of quality. An absolute belter of a free kick from Ravanelli, Juninho, Mido, Phil Stamp, someone called Malaury Martin. I've never heard of him. He's never heard of me. We get on fine. It's all here, the goal, the celebrations.

All my other photos were blurred, this is about the only one that wasn't and yes, I realise, it is very dull.

With that a pair of Middlesbrough fans dressed as Santa mock City's Eastenders, the home crowd chant “1-0 to the referee” and the City accountant worries what effect this defeat will have on the sales of those ill conceived Derek McInnes blow up dolls and pelmets the marketing department insisted upon.

*If you did want to read more about City's financial state have a look over Swiss Ramble's excellent account of City's eh accounts.

Korea Opportunities.

Bath City v Dagenham and Redbridge.

Wednesday 23rd November 2011
FA Cup 1st Round Replay
Twerton Park, Bath.
Attendance 1,704

In the run up to this FA Cup tie Bath City started to receive unwanted tactical advice from a 17 year old in South Korea called Won Jae Yang. Won wants to be the Bath City manager and has clearly been considerable time furiously blurring the lines between Football Manager and reality.

Bath City - sponsored by News International.

Over 100 (one hundred) emails later, each one containing some fresh madness and it's clear Won is as crazy as an intoxicated squirrel in a wind tunnel. Observe. “the loach Bath City column teams becoming the river team will hang City teams with 4-2-3-1 tactics and to seem, wants and when frankly says and I leave a labyrinth roentgen per hour at one meter in the British soccer world.”

Told you.

Club shop in shipping container. 5 tinpot points.

But, maybe he's on to something. Maybe Bath's disappointing season has suffered a lack of “labyrinth roentgen”. Here at AiT we're not going to write him off and that's why we hope to win Won over with this report:

Dear Won,

What time is there?

Do you get Hollyoaks in South Korea?

I see you are a big Bath City fan and can’t believe they’ve dismissed your “labyrinth roentgen” idea. Anyway, here’s a report on the Dagenham & Redbridge match for you. I hope it helps you achieve your ambition to become Bath City manager.

The magic of the FA Carpet.

In the pre match build up Kes Director Ken Loach takes his usual place on the terraces, maybe he could do a film of you, make you look all majestic, like this snappily titled one on Kim Jong-Il. Bath’s mascot, Bladud the Pig, keeps no one entertained by doing press ups. That porcine berk has got to go. Finally the teams line up to the appropriately titled sounds of ‘Ready to Go’ by Republica. Did you have pictures of Saffron from Republica on your bedroom walls and in a locket around your neck like I did Won? God, she was fit wasn’t she?

DOG IN SCARF!! (Must avoid obvious canine related Korean gags)

I must shamefully confess I am not sure how your “labyrinth roentgen” formation lines up, but I’m pretty sure Bath didn’t utilise it. It looked more a 4-4-2 to me to be honest. As you rightly identified Lewis Hogg is “a very talented player, an ace for this team” due to his “wide field of view” and he confirmed this as Bath were the better side initially. However, I am sorry to inform you that defensive frailties were again apparent when Dagenham took the lead through Brian Woodall after only 20 minutes.

Oh joy. An orchestra.

After half time the main bulk of the vociferous Bath fans don’t change ends, they merely shuffle along to the other end of the terrace, to stand to the side of the goal Bath are now attacking. The middle of the terrace being, like the 38^th Parallel North, a no go zone. These are the fans you will need to win over if you are to get the fans to accept your revolutionary tactical approach.

"Help me, get this pig away from me. STOP FILMING ME!"

"Oh christ. Get your trotters off me."

Thankfully, there is good news. Specifically that Bath equalised through a strike from 30 yards from Adam Connolly. The goal was of such supreme quality I doffed my traditional Korean gat in Connolly's direction. You didn't mention Connolly in your tactical advice for the game. Have you downloaded the latest Football Manager update Won?

"Please, someone make this nightmare end"

You were right when you, like a confused Yoda, said “finally, a striker Lee Phillips’ll need to use”. Spot on sir. When he came on he really caused that Dagenham defence problems and again you were right when you said “Scott Murray is recommended that you ought to use the player”. Almost won the game for Bath came with minutes few remaining he almost did, sadly he hit the post.

"I'm RADA trained me. Look at me now, out there, in front of all these people, dressed like a tinfoil twat and doing the waltz with an amourous pig. They told me I'd be going to Bath and performing in front of Ken Loach, I didn't know this is what the chuffing well meant. I'm firing my agent. It's alright for you, you've got a cup of tea. I can barely even sodding breath in this thing."

The match went to a period of extra time. The appropriately titled sounds of 'It's Not Over Yet' by Grace was played over the tannoy. They love their 90's pop here Won. Make a note of this: “How to win over fans if not going well: Get Chaka Demus & Pliers to do a personal appearance”. Those Bath City philistines are probably not aware of the early 90's Korean Pop sounds of Seo Taiji and the Boys though. I laugh at them.

Token match shot.

A man called Tom, dressed as the FA Cup, skipped his female chaperone and served to create a fervour amongst the excited home crowd. Sadly the players were not able to summon up such levels of athletic zeal; I feel this is probably due to the presence of a large bottle of Budweiser being played pitch side for the unfortunate recipient of 'Man of the Match'. Quite frankly, and I don't know if you've drunk Budweiser, but it takes of putrid skunk piss (no offence if this is a delicacy in South Korea, I've never been) and I strongly believe the real threat of being awarded this distasteful beverage meant that the Bath players performance levels declined accordingly. Quite rightly in my opinion Won. Quite fucking rightly.

Things get tense as Bladdud spots a Danepak van in the vicinity.

Sadly Won, you will not be leading the team out at Wembley this year. A terrible decision by the (possibly North Korean) buffoon of a linesman meant that Bath conceded a goal that was ridiculously offside. The conceding of a third goal was, like the seizure of power by General Chun Doo-hwan in 1979, a terrible injustice.

Keep sending the emails Won, one day they'll realise they need you. However, if Bath City don’t take up your generous offer then can I suggest you contact Mr George Rolls at Weymouth FC he’d be delighted to receive your emails.

Yours sincerely,

A I Tinpot

Previously on AiT:

Bath City v Weymouth - Feb 10.
Bath City v Chelmsford - April 10
Bath City v Woking - May 10.